No One Asked You (101 Ways to Fuck Off)

The Pros And Cons Of Breathing

If there's anything I'm afraid of (and there's quite a lot), it's of losing the people I care about. Saying something wrong. Not responding quick enough. Responding too quick. Being misinterpreted. Not sounding genuine. Relying too much on another. And there's more, but I don't want to drag down your day.

I am so utterly frightened of scaring people away that I care about that I work myself up into this state of...complete childishness. It's madness. Desperate for the acknowledgement of, "Yes, you're alive and you're a functioning member of my life."

But I can't do that. It's not in the least fair.

I'm afraid of being problematic. Too difficult to fit into the people I secretly adore. Like the piece of the puzzle that you kinda have to shove into the others pieces to get them to fit. But then it turns out that the piece doesn't even belong to that picture. So you throw it away.

I'm afraid of expecting too much of others because I'm so lost in my own head. I build up this fake little world where everything works out.

But that's not life.

Most of all, I think I'm afraid of not being understood. That you'll take it the wrong way. That you'll take it the right way and I'll remain exposed on the countertop with no safety in sight. I want you to know exactly what I mean. I want you to know the whole truth. But these are scary things that I don't know if I can handle.

I'm shutting off my phone for a few days. I'll probably write some more stuff, since I've got the internet, but...

I don't want to fuck anymore of this yet. I'll be back. I just need to readjust.

Why can't you live without the attention?

I need you defenseless, dependent.

Why can't you live without the attention?

alone.

Taking Back kat