You're not so bad

1

"THE BABY IS GONE , GET OVER IT , SHES NOT COMING BACK"
I stared at the eyes of the man I once loved so dearly , my eyes clouded by tears. It hadn't even been a week since I lost the baby .There are no words to describe the pain I'm feeling.
"THIS WAS OUR FUCKING BABY" I managed to build up the strength to get out of bed and stand my own ground.
"Why are you sad? You didn't even know her". My vile husband chuckled as he left the room . I stared at the door in disbelief and heartbreak , waiting and hoping that he would come back and apologise , he would come back the man he once was but no instead I heard his car speeding down the street .

He blames me for losing the baby , he said that I was useless "you can't even do the one job you were put on this earth to do . Fuck sake" his vicious words have been on replay since they left his mouth .

I have spent the last week in bed alone , alone with my thoughts . I know if I keep wallowing in self pity that it will only lead down a very dark path , a dark path I don't want to go down again.
I have decided that I need to go back to work , I need a distraction.
"You're okay ,today will be ok" I repeat to myself as I look in the mirror while finishing up my makeup , trying to make myself look even half alive.

*****
I pulled up to the school and all I felt was regret , I sat and thought about all of the possibilities my baby could have done , I looked around and realised that my daughter would never be like these high schoolers enjoying life and stressing about college , instead she is in a wooden box 6 feet under.

I took a deep breath and slowly got out of the car , the stitches from my surgery stretching as I got up , I let out a sigh of relief and made my way to my classroom . The classroom still looked the same , the posters were still up from last year , my name tag "ms smith" was still placed neatly on my desk , the globe and geography books neatly lined the shelves . This room was my second home , my safe place . That was until I heart the shrill sound of the school bell signifying school was starting.

******
My first two classes went alright , although I didn't want to be there , I would have rather be at home in my bed crying . The students so far have all been very nice and want to get work done . Not one of them is aware of the pain and struggles I am going through.

The bell went to signify lunch was over meaning that I would have seniors now . In the past I have realised seniors are generally a tough class to teach , they're always so focused on college or prom or just finishing up altogether but I have a job to do.

As the class got settled I got started " Alright , I'm Miss Smith , some of you may recognise me from last year . I am going to be teaching you geography this year , before we get started I have to warn you that geography this year is a very tough and broad topic but if we all work together and meet deadlines we should all be alright".
I tried to be as happy and positive as possible but as the noise levels in the classroom continued to rise I knew I had to make one thing clear.
" I also have some rules , number one : if you're tardy it's detention after school , no excuses . Number two : I DO NOT tolerate speaking when I am speaking" I gave a stern look to the boys speaking.
"Number three : I will not tolerate students being rude to one another or me , if any problems do arise this year I will sort them out quickly and accordingly."

Just as I finished speaking my classroom door flung opened and smashed against the wall behind it creating a loud thud. All eyes were on the tall slim girl that just barged into the room . The girl didn't look up instead she stared at the floor and slowly made her way to the back seats.
"Excuse me , what's your name?" I enquired sternly but got no response .
"Ok quiet girl how about you show some respect, get out of this classroom and enter appropriately . I want you to knock on the door , wait for ME to answer it then apologise for being tardy . Got it?"

The girl looked up for the first time and I was met by a pair of tired blue eyes , instead of answering me she just laughed and put her feet in her desk.
"Young lady-"
"You know what fuck off , I don't know you , I don't want to know you , I'm only here because I have to be . Just because I'm here doesn't mean I'm going to listen to some random woman whose bestfriend is sedimentary rocks ."
The whole class chuckled at this but i was seeing red my positive and happy mood was immediately stripped the moment this girl entered the classroom
"GO TO THE PRINCIPALS OFFICE NOW" I yelled through gritted teeth.

*****
Once I settled the class of loud hormonal teenagers I made my way to the principals office
"Hi Sharon is ms lynch  in there?"
"Hi miss smith yeah she's in there with a student"
She replied and i walked straight towards the big oak door before knocking three times
"Come in" i heard from  inside the office , I slowly made my way in and said hello to ms lynch.

"So ms smith why is lovely Amy joining us here today?" The stern looking woman kept her gaze on me as I sat down beside the student I had kicked out of my classroom only moments ago.

"She was tardy and rude" I replied confidently as I watched the girl beside me, her knees bouncing  up and down rapidly as she played with her finger nails to the point I could see little traces of blood

"Care to explain Amy?" The cold woman's eyes were no longer on me but on the girl beside me . I watched as her fidgeting increased but she stayed silent.

"Listen here Amy today is the first day back after summer holidays , we are only 3 classes in and you have already been sent to me . You have to change your ways , it's your last year here, you need to mature and act your age-"

Mr lynch continued talking but I zoned out I was too focused on the girl beside me now digging her fingernails into the palms of her hands creating little crescent shapes.

"- do you understand, detention after school for the week." Amy finally made eye contact with the woman behind the desk before nodding and slowly getting up to leave , as Amy's hand landed on the door handle ms lynch added "oh and I will be calling home Amy."