Stole My Tortured Heart

Prologue

Life is fairly unfair.

It is my thirteenth night without a proper sleep. With these swirling thoughts inside my head. Thoughts and ideas that seems to make me cry and break down.

How ugly I am everytime I look on my camera's phone and how I always put a filter just to be pretty enough and feel satisfied about my looks and still hating it, but when I look in the mirror I do feel genuine and proud and seeing yourself pretty and kind even without filters or anything just yourself, bare face. However , I still cannot stop thinking wrong about myself and I know thinking harsh about myself is not healthy but what can I do to make it stop or how to even prevent it. I can't do anything instead I go with it, suffers and just...sigh*

I hate that these things that's happening in my life has became a routine, a cycle rather. Starts with this, and end with this, and repeats the same again and again.

It's exhausting and the longer I overthink the more fear adds up my mind. My anxiety always attacks me when I feel comfort for a while and later on, fear and anxiety rules my whole system and I cannot do anything against it.

The first night of my worst anxiety happens when my friend abandoned our friendship that I thought would lasts until we make it to our 12th year but sadly did not happen and I distant myself, maybe I am the only one hoping for it to happen. That night, I began to feel sad and miserable than before.

Before, I am only conscious about myself. My looks, my outfit, the way I walk, the way I talk and how I act especially in the public places. It's hard because I am observant and anxious and there are lots of things circulating in my mind as if it will explode anytime soon.

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"Now I'm down bad crying at gym" nagising ako sa alarm ko at tiningnan ang phone ko at nagdali-dali nako ng pag-aasikaso para sa unang araw ng pasukan.

I'm now on my 12th grade and my last year of high school. I feel more nervous and excited at the same time since it's a new beggining to start and new memories to unfold and somehow negative things that will saddens me and will make me feel worthless...

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Enhale... breathe in*

Exhale... breathe out*

Unang araw ng pasukan at unang araw ng huling taon ko sa paaralang ito. Kinakabahan ako ng sobra dahil magpapakilala na naman at maghuhumirantado na naman ang kalooban ko kung paano ko magagawa iyon ng maayos.

"Good Morning class" pagbati sa amin ni Mrs. Villanueva

"Good Morning Mrs. Villanueva " sabay-sabay naming pagbati pabalik sa kanya. Nagsimula na ang adviser namin mag-announce ng mga bagay na dapat naming i-accomplish as a 12th grade at na mas i-enjoy ang year na 'to since last year na namin as a high school. Nagsimula na rin magpakilala ang bawat estudiyante.

Samantala nandito ako sa unang row sa tabi ng bintana at nakadungaw sa mga buildings sa labas habang iniisip ang mga sasabihin ko kapag ako na ang magpapakilala sa unahan.-What if I tell them my whole name, my age, my birthday...no scratch that. I don't want anyone in here to know when my birthdate is. Nag-isip isip pa ako ng biglang may kumalabit sa balikat ko dahilan para humarap ako sa kumalabit at nagulat ako na si Mrs. Villanueva na pala iyon. Doon ko lang din narealize na ako na pala ang magpapakilala.

"Go in front Ms. and introduce yourself" pag-utos sa'kin ng adviser namin. Tumayo akong naka-tungo at naglakad sa unahan na kinakabahan.

" G-good Morning Mrs. Villanueva" tumingin ako sa adviser namin.
"Good Morning classmates, I am Diana Melandez" pagsalita ko, luminga-linga ako sa paligid at baka may tumatawa sa'kin at nang mapunta sa may pintuan ang tingin ko ay nasilayan ko ang naka-ngiting lalaki na nakatingin sa'kin, doon ay medyo nagulat ako. Nang makuntento na sa paligid ko ay bumalik na'ko sa upuan at huminga ng malalim.