Unique ~ WAKFU

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DISCLAIMER- while I am trans, I'm transmasc, so i don't know much about transfem issues. I will try to represent them as best as I can, but feel free to correct me if I portray something wrong.

Coming out/ realizing you are trans are different processes for everyone, and it isn't always a bad or hard thing to face. For me personally, it wasn't very good and I broke down a lot, which is why I am writing it semi-negatively. Please keep this in mind, as I am trying my best to be respectful to my transfemminine sisters as i write this

  Adamai was used to stares. He was used to the second looks and countless double takes at his body; waist too thin, neck and shoulders too wide, head too reptilian, legs too thin to hold himself up, though they miraculously do. He was used to feeling exposed, used to the judgment that comes with it. He was used to this half blend body, scared to change it; it's for his survival. He found himself avoiding the mirror more often, a strange pang in his chest when he saw himself again. It's nothing , he thought, and continued. It still hurt.

Adamai recalled the meeting with his mother, where she had brought him up to her face. His new form was put on display and he hated it, scared and uncomfortable and desperate in one.

"You have always been unique," she had said. Adamai didn't want to be unique, he wanted to be safe. To be comfortable. He kept quiet, and shoved those selfish desires away.

He had left alone before, though it was harder after everything he wanted had been handed to him on a plate. His mother, his family, his twin brother, a place of his own. He didn't like it. The place was too crowded, too... premeditated. He left for the safety of himself and his own family. He was not alone, of course, a familiar guardian following him. He liked the way those green eyes are always there behind him, staring with none of the judgment of anyone else. He found himself putting flowers in Nazalath's dark feathers, as he tried to do the same. The flowers burnt in his claws, and he sighed. Adamai watched him place a golden forged flower behind his ear. He knows one feeling- attachment, but the other? He doesn't know. Is... he scared? It feels like the opposite of the mirror. They continued on their way, retrieving the dofus of his siblings, his own feelings alien to him, his own dofus feeling more so. He tried to share the dofus with Naz again. The dark dragon simply helped Adamai into his arms as the dofus reentered his body.

The necromes had attacked them, and they had held them off. Adamai was the only one to go underwater, Naz seemingly paralyzed at the sheer thought of it. Adamai didn't mind- he knew how much quickly water turned to steam on the guardian's scales, and to do that in salt water while wounded would be agonizing. He almost drowned in that water, however, ropes of stasis yoking his arms and legs, pulling him down. When he escaped, his heart was pounding, feeling as if it was beating out of his too wide chest. He decided not to entertain that fear. It never truly left.

The rest of the times had been a blur, with Adamai fighting for his life and King Armand commanding the eliatropes that had been left there, that he and Yugo now had to rule. He watched the guardian come back, a shell of the man he used to be. Adamai couldn't dwell on that. He kept fighting off necromes that never ended and threw themselves into battle with reckless abandon. But soon enough the battle was over. His mother would have been proud, he thinks.

But now she was gone. Now he had lost another brother, another sister. When would people cease with leaving him? When would he stop scaring people away? He stood at Yugo's coronation, smiling at both him and Amalia, though there was nothing behind it. He was worried for them, he realized, worried for the kingdom. There would be a lot to recover from, with the trees turned to ash and disintegrated and the people demotivated by the loss of King Armand. Adamai decided he would put his own issues aside once more.