You have some audacity to say you can't count on me. You're my dad, so I'm so sorry that I expect you to act like it. I wanted to go shopping with you for my party because it's not like you're ever around. When you are around, you drink until you can't tell whether you're at work or home. It's like I don't even know you anymore. You're my dad, right? I thought you were supposed to be there for me. You're a selfish man, and yet, I find myself feeling like I'm asking too much of you. I just wish you weren't someone living in this house that I don't even recognize anymore. I know I should be grateful that I even have a dad, but he's not even there mentally. He's barely there physically. I fucking hate it when people try to tell me how lucky I am to have the father that I have, but I want to hurt them when they say that bevause I know that they're getting more time with my dad than I usually ever do. People say it's not fair that I complain. My life isn't some perfect picture just because my dad doesn't hit me and he lives in the same house. He's not even there. Why are my feelings invalid just because my father hasn't left. I don't get why he hasn't left, and sometimes, I just really wish he would. I'm tired of pretending like he's not an absolute piece of shit. My mom would be so mad if she saw me writing about my dad, but I'm not going to waste my time trying to protect him like he's ever done the same. I'm confused on if I'm in the wrong or if my dad is. He said everything in his life isn't worth it, even my brother and I. He doesn't even treat us like family. He treats us like coworkers. Why can't he just be a dad? Am I asking too much? Have I always asked for too much? I don't even know what to think anymore. He can't even accept the fact that I'm not his little girl anymore. I don't want to be his little girl, I want to be seen as his son. I don't even fucking know him anymore. He complains about how miserable he is, but he won't ever do ANYTHING to fix it. He feels like a failure. So do I. I don't know if I should apologize for what I am or what I'm not. What I do or what I dont. I just want this house to feel like a home again. When it's just Mom, Logan, and I, things are nice. We laugh and spend time together. If our table wasn't a mess with garden stuff, we'd sit together as a family. I know we would. Because my mom actually tries. I thanked her for being a mom today. I just wish I could thank my dad for being a dad. My brother said it's not fair that I say he doesn't do anything, but what I speak of, i know is true. He takes us out to eat so he can get a ride home when he's too drunk to. He takes us out to the races. He knows I don't enjoy them. He doesn't spend time with us to spend time with us. He does it because he needs someone to watch after him when he gets so wasted he passes out on the couch. I hugged him, and when I went to change for my shower, my shirt smelled of booze. He's too heavy to go horseback riding because of how much he drinks. Dad, I wish I could tell you this, but I knoe you'd flip all my words on me and make me feel bad. Maybe we wouldn't be hurting for money right now if he didn't spend all his time drinking. I don't know anymore. Maybe I am being overdramatic. I still feel. I don't want to. I love like a damn dog. I just want to go to a place that feels like home again. The hardest part about that wish is that the place I call home may not have you in my life anymore.
