CRAIGSLIST THERAPIST | hyunho ✔

.22

Felix sets the grocery bag on the floor, an O-shaped mouth as he releases a long exhale. "37 rejections? That's..." He shakes his head. "But weren't you setting a rejection goal? How many was it?"

"25," Hyunjin gurgles on his pillow. Kkami lies on top of him, dead asleep. But once there's the distinct noise of a dog treat bag being torn open, he hops off Hyunjin like he's made of lava.

"Ah."

"This one was a supernatural TV show," Hyunjin says to his pillow. "The announcement said 'male, tall, blond.' Look at my hair, Felix."

Felix tsked. "What the Heck? Did they not like your audition?"

"They said they already have a 'diverse' actor," he says. Bitter. Bitter, bitter. Like Minho's Hot Chocolate Coin. "But then, I go Googling the upcoming cast. There they are. Everyone. From all rainbows of colors. Felix, is there something wrong with me?"

Now Hyunjin cranes his neck to gaze at a silent Felix. A plastic bag still dangles from a finger. He thins his lips, then clacks his teeth, like he's chopping the upcoming words into digestible pieces. "I just think— Maybe—"

Hyunjin nods, motions with his hand. Go on, go on, please?

With an anguished sigh, Felix drops the bag next to a treat-chewing Kkami, who pays no mind to the commotion. "Maybe you weren't meant to act?" Felix says it with a smile that's not quite a smile. A boxed mouth so square Hyunjin itches to store valuable objects in it. As the minutes pass, Felix's box mouth takes shape. It morphs into a down-faced crescent moon, the lower lip giving the slightest wobble before he dives into Hyunjin's mattress and encages him in a hug.

Face squished, Hyunjin washes the left side of Felix's face with his tears. Trying to say no, Lixie, I'm not mad at you, then still trying to say really, I'm not mad. It's just how life is. You can have a plot twist as a quarter-life crisis — the clues all there, hiding in plain sight, and those clues are your fears. Having those fears validated by the person who's had the most insight into his inner psyche... Tough. Tough, tough, tough! Forget Minho, why is Felix paying him? This is the brutally honest, no-bullshit approach Hyunjin's always needed to witness.

Doesn't mean it hurts less.

"Baby." Felix hugs him harder like he wants to restrain him. "You wear your heart on your sleeve, you can't lie, you can't pretend. You can't act like someone else, and you can't force ungenuine feelings."

The wrestling embrace relents. They slump backwards to each wall. There's only the sound of Kkami chewing. Felix's eyes are a deep red, like a weed-user. Eyebrows together. Tongue catching tears pooling in his philtrum.

"That also means," Felix continues. He glances at the nightstand. "You're the last person to be secretive about your feelings."

And Hyunjin knows that. He's just grieving.