LEOPARD LIMO - B. EILISH SMUT

007 - HOMIESEXUAL

"do you think we'll ever have sex?"

i choked on my ten-dollar screw top moscato. it was one of those questions that made me fully aware of my intrusive thoughts that i'd finally convinced myself were part of some overthinking fit about the state of my life. billie always had the absolute temerity of asking those questions, as if the option of being normal and letting the unspoken live as is wasn't available. as if that wasn't bad enough, she expected full transparency in every answer. so, when she asked me such a provocative, intrusive question, i felt forced to let out an answer that would open the floodgates to a mess i'll never forgive myself for.

"i don't know." i mentally winced at myself for saying something so stupid, so open-ended. at this moment, with anyone else, this would be the demise of a friendship. however, billie isn't just anyone else, which is why the conversation continued the way it did.

"why don't you know?" billie grinned widely, obviously enjoying making me unnerved.

"i have a fiancé."

"you have to have a man propose to you to have a fiancé," she rebutted.

"he's going to propose, i know it," i boasted, finally able to say i'm not lying this time.

"how do you know?"

"so many questions tonight," i teased, hoping to forget the initial one. "i found a ring."

"wow," billie whispered, head resting on her palm as we took a simultaneous sip of our wine. for whatever reason, her awe seemed condescending, making me feel as though i had to say more to prove my words were bible.

"yeah, uh, round cut, sitting on this really thin yellow-gold band. it's in this heart-shaped velvet box i once pointed out while looking at costume jewelry for my little cousin at the beverly center." god, could i be any more specific?

billie snickered, urging me to gulp nervously. "you think it's a blood diamond? sourced where, exactly? where was the box from, again?" my cheeks flushed a generously warm pink.

"well, i'm just saying, it's true. he's proposing. i don't know when, but i know it'll be soon."

"well, i'm just saying, i'd never get you that ring. i know better."

"he's a man, billie. he doesn't know jack shit about engagement rings."

"if he knew anything there is to know about you, he'd steer clear of anything with a round cut or yellow gold." billie had a point. i was furious that she was completely right. it was like her boldness for having the hard conversations and asking the uncomfortable questions led her to ninety-nine-point-nine percent accuracy when it came to guessing my decisions, desires, and taste in jewelry.

truthfully, i was completely unsure about getting married. after copious women and gender studies classes, i'd purged myself of all capitalistic and heteronormative expectations regarding the whole nuclear family thing, so societal pressure was out of the question. my parents never asked much of me other than a degree or two, so that couldn't be it either. what was it? when would i ever get this innate compulsion to take my relationship to the next level? most importantly, would i ever get that feeling at all?

these were all difficult thoughts, so i dealt with them in the best way i knew how--ignoring them completely and telling billie only the surface level bullshit. however, that never stopped her from knowing me inside and out. she's the most intuitive person in history, and i was both blessed and cursed when it came to having her as a friend.

"what would i get?" i inquired to billie, asking almost in a way that seemed like i truly had no idea what the answer could be.

"emerald cut, obviously. white-gold band. maybe some super simple clusters but nothing crazy."