I CAN't LOVE YOU

"I do wanna write about you as much as I feel you. The eyes we have are the same as the body we have. And the touch you deliver are even beyond than a man could give. I wish if you were a fellow guy, so that the world will let us kiss in the middle of anywhere. And it's just a dream of hope." -Sivani Kallingal.

1948

Daffodils were the first thing I saw when I met her. Her beautiful brown hair flowed gently in the wind. Her beauty was brighter than a thousand suns combined.

Hyacinth was her name, a beautiful name for someone as beautiful as her. When I met Hyacinth she was at first skeptical about playing with me, we both came from different worlds but did that matter to two little girls who wanted to play? I guess not...

We played all afternoon that day with each other, I braided her hair and put the surrounding daffodils into it. When I was touching her hair it felt like touching the softest fabric in the world.

Eventually, we had to stop because her mother yelled at me. She said some words I didn't understand the meaning of back then.

Before Hyacinth could leave me I told her to come here tomorrow and play with me again, she made a promise that she would.

She didn't break that promise for a long time.

" 'You cannot love her,' They whisper.
'For it is a sin.'
I only smile at their words knowing that they have not knelt at her alter
nor tasted the divinity staining her lips.
They have not heard her giggles murmured between every kiss.
'So be it then,' I say.
'I will walk into hell gladly knowing I've held heaven in my hands.' " -Lyra Wren.

1959

Back when I was a young girl I wasn't allowed in certain places, people just didn't like the way I looked.

When I finally hit the age where I could drink I wasn't allowed in certain bars, so Hyacinth decided to celebrate in the field of daffodils we always hung out in.

We went at night to celebrate my first drink. She brought the alcohol and blankets while I brought my radio and the lanterns.

We laughed and danced along to the music that was playing on the radio. We were having the time of our lives, we didn't care if our shoes got too dirty or if our hair came undone, we were just living in the moment.

After a while, we stopped dancing and just sat there listening to whatever the radio played. She laid her head down on my lap and hummed to the song "Only You, And You Alone".

Then all of a sudden we shared something extraordinary, but we stopped once we realized what we had done. She told me to swear on my heart that we would never talk about this again.

While I had feelings for her before this event I didn't realize until then that I loved her. Another thing I realized that night was that while I loved her, she couldn't love me.

"I don't love women the way men love women.
I don't want to tame them.
I don't want to own them.
I don't want to treat them
like a trophy in a case.
I just want to be close to them.
It's still hunger,
but a different kind of hunger.
-I almost didn't recognize it at first." -June Bates.

1964

This was the year Hyacinth would get married. She had met a nice young man a while back named Robert, they both met at a diner. Robert was a simple bartender while Hyacinth worked as a waitress.

When she first introduced Robert to me I was a bit rude to him. Sure I did eventually grow to like Robert somewhat but that feeling of jealousy still resided.

Hyacinth's family never seemed to like me and hated the fact that Hyacinth would hang around me, they always saw me as a bad influence on a young white girl.