Primrose | REVIEW SHOP [ OPEN ]

✦ { Kailyn } LOVE. BEYOND. MEMORY

CLIENT: ghost23009

REVIEWER: Kailucy

Thanks for asking me to review. Sorry it took a while for me to finish.

Cover: 6/10

The cover isn't eye-catching, but I do like the touch of Love being written in red. Changing the image would be a good starting point. You can even check into graphic shops if you aren't feeling inspired.

Title: 8/10

The title doesn't need periods (.) after every word. Also all the letters don't need to be capitalized. The title itself is fine. It fits perfectly with the storyline, and it's easy to remember.

Blurb: 7/10

The blurb isn't bad, but it also doesn't give much information. Right now it reads more like an introductory paragraph instead of a summary. Maybe make it a little longer? Introduce the main characters and the conflict and make it more hooking.

Character: 5/10

Right now, the characters seem a little flat. I think the best way to fix this would be to spend more time building up their character. Show what they're like. Some of the dialogue does an okay job at this, but they still seem very flat.

Giving them more motivations would help a lot with this. Try to find out more about the characters than you'll reveal. It'll come out on the page. (Usually)

Give them desires, likes, dislikes. Know their past and hint at it. These little things will help tremendously. There are a lot of character sheets online that can help develop the character. Even though some of those things might never be mentioned, knowing those things about your characters can make them feel real.

Plot: 14/20

The idea of the plot is sad, and I understand what you're trying to do with it. In some areas you succeeded, but there are some weak points as well. The writing at times made it difficult to want to continue. (More on that in the other sections.)

The plot needs some work with the development, once the letter comes in it feels like it came out of nowhere. Which, as a plot twist, isn't bad, it's just the time changes that kinda threw me off. And the whole love confession scene also felt like it came out of nowhere.

My main advice would be to slow down. Plan out the plot a bit. Make some points that you want to bring out and figure out the best way to do so. I know it's marked as a short story, so I don't want to say what I would do for a novel, but that advice would still work for this.

For example: the book deals with (in vague terms) forgetting and rekindling a relationship. (I could explain it better, but this isn't the point, so I'm not going to) write down a few key points for each.

Dev deals with a condition that makes him forget others.

•how does this affect him?

•how does this affect those around him?

•how can I show this?

Tania and Dev rekindle their relationship:

•why did they decide to do this?

Asking questions is a great way to expand on the plot, and it will also help a bit with where the other areas are lacking.

Writing style: 15/20

The formatting could use quite a bit of work. It's messy and hard to read. Try spacing out after dialogue and whenever the scene changes. That alone would improve it greatly.

The descriptions could be better. Right now the story feels gray and flat. Try to add more descriptions of the setting, characters and what the characters are doing. It will breathe life into the story and make it much better to read.

You have a great idea for this but some of the writing could use some work.

Grammar/spelling/vocabulary: 5/10

Quite a few grammar and spelling mistakes.

Spell out "you"

Capitalize "Dev"

In chapter one, "Infront" should be "in front"

There were several more, but this was all I wrote down. It wouldn't be a bad idea to look over it or check into an editing shop.

Enjoyment: 7/10

Despite its flaws, I did enjoy it. I definitely found several things that could improve and that would've made me enjoy it more, but overall, I did like what you were trying to accomplish with it and I think you did a decent job.

Overall: 67/100

Overall, you have a solid idea and I think with practice you will improve greatly. Just keep writing. If you ever want me to help with anything else, just let me know, and I'll see what I can do.

Please don't take my criticisms to heart. I promise I only mean to help. I'm also not going to hold back. I know how precious writing is to writers and I don't want to be the one to crush your dreams. I think you have a lot of potential, and I think you have a wonderful plot idea, it just needs some help with its execution.