hemophilia

nine

❛❛ 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐦𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐈 𝐝𝐨 / 𝐒𝐨 𝐰𝐡𝐲 𝐝𝐢𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐩 𝐦𝐞? / 𝐖𝐡𝐲 𝐝𝐢𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐩 𝐦𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐭 𝐢𝐭 𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫? ❜❜

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

It was only a week later that I found myself in front of that door yet again. I was able to arrange the prior study session at my place, but this time, I was unable to come up with an excuse and Megumi insisted that he was busy afterward, so I caved in as I didn't want to inconvenience him. My mouth was dry and I could hardly feel the sweat on my hands because of how numb they felt - both because of my anxiety and because I spent the entire walk digging my nails into my palms. I was surprised they weren't bleeding. Before I left home, I tried giving myself a pep talk, reminding myself that if I was able to put an end to the heart-wrenching relationship with Suguru, then I could do just about anything, right? Naturally, the self-doubt began making its way into my mind the moment I realized I was walking in circles with my arms behind my back, trying to gather my thoughts. I felt like an idiot.

When the door opened, I started bracing for impact like a deer in front of headlights, but all my muscles relaxed the moment I saw Yuji's face. I immediately sighed and threw myself into his arms, camouflaging my relief as a greeting hug. He let out a "he-ey" while hugging me back, blissfully unaware of the fact that my happiness was based on successfully avoiding his brother. He welcomed me inside where Megumi was already waiting for me with tea in the kitchen, but I managed to make some small talk with Yuji before jumping right into work.

"It's gonna be quiet today," Yuji said, "I'm leaving in a bit and Choso's already out."

Sweet relief - I was feeling it right in my soul, my tummy nearly getting warm just at the thought of not having to be confronted by Choso, especially since he'd already proved that he does not fear confrontations. Unless he was returning in the next two hours, everything would be smooth sailing.

And when I walked out the door once the studying was over, I nearly fell on my knees and kissed the ground as an homage to the Gods - thankfulness filled my heart for being able to do this so easily. When Megumi went to the bathroom, I took my book back - as per usual, it was waiting for me on the coffee table, and I left the book I'd lent in its place without leaving or taking another one. Despite my decision, I still fulfilled my task of annotating the book like I normally would. I wouldn't let my feelings get in the way of enjoying a good book. I speed-walked to the bus station just to make sure I didn't bump into him. Now, the only issue left was the fact that I couldn't avoid him forever. I only had until about next week before a hang-out was initiated by someone and Yuji brought Choso along, as he had been slowly integrated into our group. There was too much uncertainty to place my bets on the fact that he wouldn't bring it up. Somehow, I knew that he would. But for now, everything would go back to being quiet, at least for a little while.

My dream got shattered the moment I got home and checked my phone. Yuki sent me a text asking me to come for the piercing. The thoughts in my head began stirring and I had to sit down on my bed to rethink all of my life decisions up to that point. I didn't want to say no to her, she was sweet enough to offer one of her services, but the risk of bumping into Choso was way too big. But maybe I didn't have to interact with him - maybe he wouldn't bring it up in front of her. I told her I'd come in tomorrow, to which she replied with a bunch of kissing faces. She was so charming that a wordless text put a stupid smile on my face.

Although it felt impossible, I tried going on about my evening with the usual reading, calling my mom, and binging shows. I even took some pills to relax and made chamomile tea to make sure I got at least a couple of hours of sleep before I transformed into the embodiment of anxiety in the morning.