sometimes I look back on my past and wonder what went wrong. how did I end up here, where I always end up?
heart broken, and hopeless. I'm starting to think it's my fault, but I don't even know what I'm doing wrong. he was so fucking perfect, nobody even understands. he was happy to tend to me, happy to talk. I don't know what I did to make him hate me. why can't there be a happy balance of love and boundary? why is it always so fucking skewed to one side?
I just want someone to love me. is that so hard? to truly love me for me. not for my insides, not what I could bring them. but to love me for me. what did I do to make him treat me like this? is his new girl already better than me? nothing I do is right, but what's wrong? am I unlovable?
I get told I'm too much, then I'm too little. then I'm nothing at all, so I'm depressing. can someone just love me for me? why am I the one that changes for people? why can't anyone fucking change for me? it's not fair, none of it is. I wish I didn't fall so hard, or so fucking fast all the time. I'm tired of being this person, but I can't escape it. I fall for assholes, I always have. I get lost in a shitty person's eyes easily, I always think I can fix them, but I never can.
I'm always the fucking problem, even though all I want is just real fucking love. he dragged me along, I fucking fell for it too. I'm never ever falling in love again. I'm never letting anyone in, I'm never talking to another boy. I've tried, and tried again. I'm just not meant for love. no one will ever love me. I can't believe I'm still swallowing this fucking pill. it should've been obvious the first 3 times. I fucking hate everyone, but myself more. so much so I love everyone more than I hate them.
"" i cry until the sun comes up, my tears often like morning dew against flower petals.
"" songbirds sing as I sob melodically, our sounds tuned to a marvelous melody.
