Malice from beyond

1. The discovery

I walk in angrily slamming the door and grabbing a can of Monster and chugging it down. My cousin walks downstairs after hearing me and turns to me emotionlessly. "I just had the worst day ever" she says. "Can't be worse than mine. We lost to the chipmunks and all because that bitch Tara wouldn't pass the ball" I say. "Everyone's been calling for you today about Stacey" my cousin snaps. "Who pissed in your cereal and why are they calling me about Stacey? We stopped hanging out years ago when she decided to believe Troy over me because of course you believe your boyfriend of 3 months over someone you've known your whole life" I roll my eyes, involuntarily. "But uh.... what about her?"  I ask quietly "She win a competition or something? She always does" I sigh. "She's missing" my cousin says bluntly. The can of monster falls from my hand as my heart skips a beat. "That's not funny Dom" I say, glaring at her. "Obviously" she hisses, taking a step back and leaning against the counter with a sigh. "I'm not joking. Wish I was though" she breathes. Shock grips me, and I try to speak, move my lips but my vocal cords seem to be paralyzed. Suddenly I feel sick, and my brain feels dizzy. "This can't be possible" I want to say but the words are trapped in my mind. I had last seen Stacy in the hallways passing through school and she glanced at me as she always does but avoided eye contact. That used to be my role, but I guess things are different since we stopped being friends. She runs with the popular kids now. The Jessicas, Stephanies, and worse the Chads. At least the Jessicas and Stephanies are pretty. 

My thoughts are pierced by my cousin's voice asking if I'm okay with her hand on my shoulder and I don't know what to say. The air is too thick, and my mouth is too dry, and her presence overwhelms my senses and it's all just too much all at once and I can't take it. I turn away from her, shaking her arm off and running up the steps, flinging the door of my room open and tumbling through, crashing onto my bed. My door swings shut as I lay on my bed, numb, unsure what to feel. I turn over and look up at my ceiling which is maybe my favorite work of art to date. It's painted to look like a swirling galaxy and the centerpiece is a hanging ball that lights up, meant to symbolize a star. It switches colors and radiates soft light. It's also a nightlight because I happen to be scared of the dark. It started out as an idea Stacy had when we were ten. She was obsessed with astronomy and zodiacs. She'd constantly give me horoscopes then lament about how I defied them because I didn't act like a Scorpio should. She, however, was a typical Taurus and committed to following her horoscope. 

The ceiling started out when my room was redecorated with darker color schemes with the only pops of color being a couple items in my favorite color, sage green. She said it looked cool but needed something extra. She told me about her idea for a galaxy ceiling, which I shot down instantly, but Stacy wasn't one to give up and I found saying no to her an impossible task, so I eventually agreed, deciding that if nothing else it would be a fun art project. Stacy got my parents on board with the idea, I wasn't the only one that had trouble saying no to her and they agreed instantly. Stacy drew up the ceiling plan, I mixed the colors and for the next 9 months we'd spend time in my room painting whenever we were free. The finishing touches were our star sign constellations in opposite corners of the ceiling, and a hanging star for flare as Stacy put it. We finished it in fall, during the middle of November during yet another sleepover at my house. There are little fairy lights scattered across the galaxy, little stars. They decorate the velvet smooth darkness of the swirling galaxy, which cloaks them like precious gems. The same way I used to protect Stacy, because she was always getting into trouble, always wading in the deep end. At least I used to protect her, but I couldn't save her from Troy, her stupid boyfriend.

 I don't think anyone could. Stacy was a force of nature, but Troy was a force point blank. When he wanted something, he got it, which unfortunately applied to people. In truth Troy was the definition of human waste. He looked down on people, lacked empathy and enjoyed being a bully all while managing to have a Narcissism complex that would put Kanye to shame. It's a wonder why he attracts the attention of girls like flies to rotten food. Which is essentially what he is. My best friend happened to be his latest conquest which didn't surprise me much. She was conventionally attractive and a cheerleader. He was the captain of the football team. Very cliche but I wasn't worried about Stacy reciprocating feelings. I was sure she knew just how much of a waste of oxygen he was. I underestimated Troy, overestimated Stacy. It started small, liking her Instagram posts, adding her on Snap, then little notes in her locker, and flowers, then asking her to be his girlfriend on Valentine's. She said yes, and they started going out. I disliked Troy but I tolerated him for Stacy. I tolerated when he'd make backhanded comments on my hair "It's so puffy, wouldn't it look better straight?", when he'd make fun of my style because "It's just a joke", when he judged my art, all while Stacy was absent of course, he couldn't let his precious girlfriend find out he wasn't the nice guy he made himself out to be. I suddenly realize I'm stuck in my own head thinking about Stacy who literally dropped me for a guy -so much for feminism and sisterhood- but I can't stop. She was my best friend for 16 years. How do I even stop thinking about her? Half of my memories were made with her. My eyes fill with angry tears, and I'm not even sure whether I'm angry at Stacy dropping me, or Stacy being missing. And I laugh. Because the situation is just so oddly characteristic of her. She's had many near-death experiences, but this one definitely tops them. She's nearly drowned at least ten times, broken four bones, gotten a concussion twice, and burned and cut herself countlessly. Usually from her own stubbornness but her being missing is just so surreal I can't help but laugh, tears falling from my eyes, which reminds me of the day when she ended our friendship. It was the week before school started, on a breezy summer day. I had spent all summer third wheeling and shadowing her and Troy, in an effort to spend time with my best friend because Troy was set on occupying all her time. The thing was Troy disliked me just as much as I disliked him because he knew I saw through his facade, but we shared a wordless agreement to be civil for Stacy's sake. Or at least I thought we did. 

Imagine my surprise when Stacy asks to meet up at our spot, an abandoned farmhouse and confronts me about my feelings for Troy. I tell her in no uncertain terms do my feelings for Troy extend out of hate and disdain. She calls me a liar and says I like him, which knocks the wind out of me because I've never been more insulted. We devolve into a screaming match with hurtful words being thrown back and forth like a game of catch and leaves me silent for the next week. My parents somehow figured out what happened and tried to comfort me, but nothing worked. Stacy was my lifeline, and without her I'm sinking, untethered. When we get back to school, she already has new friends swarming around her. For a second, I felt hurt, did I mean so little that I was easily replaced? But we make eye contact, and that single glance tells me she's sinking too, even with multiple lifelines surrounding her. But how important could I have been if she dropped me so easily? I try to shut my brain off, but I can't, so I just lay there thinking of Stacy as my head feels fuzzy and my eyes close, pulling me into a comforting darkness. Stacy dancing, Stacy laughing, Stacy eating ice cream, me forcing Stacy to watch anime with me and her picking a favorite character, our virtual sleepovers when she was grounded, Stacy cosplaying Gojo with me as Geto. Then I woke up.

NOTES

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