the tune of us

Prologue

Prologue

One thing that I learned in life is that, if you become too comfortable and open to the people around you, they can use your weakness against you to plot for your demise. They can abuse everything in you and might use you for a bad reason. If you have become oblivious to your surroundings, they will find some openings to destroy you from the inside.

"Lumayas ka na sa pamamahay na ito! Wala kaming anak na bakla na katulad mo!"

And if you've been too confident to show your true self to the people whom you love the most but actually never loved you in the first place, then it would pose a great danger, not just to your emotions, but also to your identity as part of the family.

"Huwag na huwag ka nang babalik dito! Ikaw lang ang nagdadala ng puot at problema dito sa pamamahay na ito! You're such a disgraceful kid!"

Its frustrating, really. And it hurts so much to the point that you don't know what's going on, and what would happen to you.

I could just laugh while crying because I'm too numb to even process everything. Sa totoo lang, ang hirap lang tanggapin na lumaki ka sa isang pamilyang closed-minded sa lahat ng bagay. Na kahit ang tunay mong pagkatao ay hindi nila magawang tanggapin.

Its sad to say that after them knowing the real you, the real attitude behind that persona of yours, they will tend to get rid of it by abandoning you like you're some kind of a nasty object—a hindrance in the family. Kahit alam nilang pinanganak ka sa pamilya, wala na silang paki-alam do'n. All they care is their credibility and their reputation. Wala silang paki-alam kung anak man nila o kapatid o kamag-anak. Basta kapag nalaman nilang hindi ikaw ang tunay na ikaw, papaalisin ka nila sa buhay nila at gagawin nila ang lahat para hindi mo na sila magambala pa.

"Pathetic little bitch."

Nakita kong tinapon ni mommy at ni ate Aya ang mga gamit ko sa maputik at mabasang lupa, kasali narin ang mga mamahaling damit na binili ko sa ibang bansa. Malakas ang ulan at walang tigil ang pagkulog at ang pagkidlat. Sa totoo lang ay takot ako sa ulan, sa makakapal na ulap na kulay itim, sa kulog at sa kidlat. Naaalala ko pa noon na lagi akong tumatago sa ilalim ng kama ng kwarto ko kapag wala akong kasama at tsaka lagi kong tinatakpan ang tenga at pinipikit ang mga mata para hindi masyadong makita ang liwanag ng kidlat at ang lakas ng kulog.

And I always cling to my parents whenever I can't sleep at my own room. And they would cling back to me, offering me that same familiar comfort and security.

But now, here I am...soaked in the rain drops, while they're throwing everything I own, on the ground. Being abandoned by my own family after I dared to open to them my true self. Akala ko mahal nila ako dahil pinanganak ako sa pamilya, na anak ako nina mommy at daddy, na kahit anong mangyari ay tatanggapin nila ako, pero nagkamali pala ako.

Hindi pala nila ako mahal. And here I thought that they loved me all these years. I guess I was deceived, again.

Pagpapakitang-tao lang pala yung pagiging mapagmahal at pagiging mabait nila sa'kin. Nahulog lang pala ako sa patibong nila. They only waited me to be soft, comfortable and too open to them before they can fulfill their job to abandon me and force me to leave the house where I grew up.

"Mas mabuting tumira ka nalang sa daan dahil wala nang pupulot sa'yo! Hindi na pupulot ng bakla ang mga tao dahil alam nilang gusto niyo ng lalaki at gusto niyong magpakasta dahil akala niyo sa mga sarili niyo na para kayong mga babae, where in fact you're all wrong! Fucking wrong!" Sabi ni mommy habang hinahawakan niya ng mahigpit ang kamay ni ate Aya at tumingin sa'kin na parang nanlalait.