REAL FACE

1. childhood shivers

   I was always such a happy kid. To this day, I still remember my childhood so colorful, happy, full of memories. I can't be happier about it. Whenever I feel worse, I think about those days. I was confident, loved, cherished, cared about. I had everything, every child wants, I mean stuff like emotional support, friendship, loving family... I also had physical stuff, like toys, coloring books... but I wasn't spoiled. We had everything in limitation. I loved Christmas. It was the happiest I've ever been. My parents always made me and my sisters homemade advent calendars. We decorated Christmas tree together. Watched movies and cartoons. Baked cookies. Made our own decorations. Went to build snowmans. Had a snowball fights. It was always so magical.

My parents are still together. They loved me, and still love me, at every time. Of course we fight, but that's normal. I have the best relationship with them now days. They always made me feel special and loved. They are the perfect parents for me. For me that's now. I'm saying that, because I didn't always feel like that about them. But they are still amazing in my eyes. They never forget birthdays, name days, valentine's, childrens day. They never dissapoimted. Also a big yes about them is that they never argued in front of me and my sisters.

I have 3 sisters. One is 2 years older (Linda), the other one is 6 years younger (Emma) and the last one is 15 years younger (Katy). Yeah, it's a big age difference. We get along very well. But it wasn't always like that. When we didn't have Katy yet, both Linda and Emma usually stood together, against me. So I felt really alone at that time. I was young, so I used to "bully" Emma, to get their attention. It was just in a friendly way. I took her stuff, annoy her, told her she was adopted. You know... I'm not proud of that, but I was a kid. And I wanted to feel included. But since Katy was born, we all get along really well. We support each other and tell each other everything. Now that I think about it, our relationships didn't grow with Katy being born, but with everyone finding out about my mental state.

I had a lot of friends growing up. Like I previously mentioned, I was really confident. I was social, extrovert, loved to make new connections. So this helped me a lot. In kindergarten, I started singing. I went on a lot of competitions and won almost everything. Sometimes when I look back at it, I feel like I peaked in kindergarten and now I'm only living. But is it really possible? I hope not. Since I was really young, like 3-4, me and my sister Linda became friends with our neighbors. They were two girls Kamila and Veronica. Our moms worked together so we spent almost all the time together. We went together on family vacations, played outside, even created our own runway with our moms clothes. It was amazing. We grew apart after time. We were all different ages, so when we went to high school, we stopped hanging out as much. But to this day we still occasionally meet and talk about everything. I also made 3 very close friends in school. Nora, Tiana and Lidia. Me and Nora were closer friends and Tiana and Lidia were closer too. But we still hung out all together. Nora and Tiana were also sisters. Actually they were triplets. They also had a brother. Mike. They always stand beside me. Even nowadays. We have a really strong friendship and I'm so glad I have them by my side. I made more friends along the way, but I will tell you soon all about that.

I told you all this, because I can't find a reason why I am so messed up. Why am I broken, sick, empty. What went wrong. I have no idea. Everything was perfect growing up. Sometimes I think, that maybe my brain just blacked out during the bad memories. That I can't remember them, but they still affect me. I really don't know.