Missing the past

Still bad at giving things titles, so I'm not going to :,]

God how I miss how things used to be. So much has changed. It feels like a fall from greatness, yet when I was at said greatness, I was not only doing worse mentally, I was also completely unaware that things would get worse.

I miss 2020. I miss middle school. I miss all my friends, we had so much fun together, it never occured to me that once we'd go our separate ways, we wouldn't keep contact. It was my fault anyway- I'm the one that drifted away, I should've kept talking, asking if there's a groupchat I can join, etc.

I miss being recognized on here. It was so fun to know that there was a community where people would see me and go "Hey, I know you!"

And god, I miss not being lonely.

It's been so hard to find a friend that will stay. And it just seems that everybody I find doesn't quite share my ideals, whether it be being not mature enough in terms of emotional intelligence, or too mature in terms of humor.

I kind of wish I had less emotional intelligence. It makes me a good writer, yes, but it also means nobody feels quite as strongly as I do.

I do have a few "friends". But it seems that in every group I'm the "+1". The one that's supposedly there but only as a bonus or a last choice, not as an actual member of the group.

God. I miss middle school, when it felt like my friends actually fucking valued me. We've drifted away.

And the one person I got along with the MOST in middle school, the one I talked to the most and considered my best friend, she made a racist joke publically recently and wasn't apologetic about it in the slightest. When I told her it was a... generally bad thing to say, she lashed out, telling me that she thought she could trust her friends not to attack her about such things.

Five years since we first met. For two years, she had been my closest friend. And she was the only girl that understood my jokes in English. Nobody else.

What is it with people I loved or looked up to turning out to be terrible? Because a day after she had made that racist joke, the truth about a certain singer of a certain band came out. (I'm sure it's a little obvious who I'm referring to, in reference to the mcyt community).

Been a fan since 2019 or 2018. It's so disappointing. And it keeps happening. People I loved, people I held dear, people who's mannerisms I've copied by now. Turning out to be horrible. Turning out to be irredeemable.

I'm trying not to let desperation get to me. I'm generally not a very self-conscious person, but it's getting hard to keep up. Because what about me is it that makes me fall into a pit of loneliness yet again?

I wish I was in 7th grade again. In 8th. The quarantine. When all I did was stay up after midnight to watch a stream or chat with online friends. When I'd set alarms for 4AM because there was a scheduled stream of Tales Of The DSMP. Literally some of my happiest days, just watching those streams when I shouldn't be awake. Despite the sudden outburst of hate towards stuff relating to DSMP.

I'm no longer involved in the community, but I will never manage to bring myself to hate it, not when I felt so happy.

It's just spontaneously hit me that those days will never return. That I'm almost a legal adult and I have nobody to confide in.

I'm going back to my seasonal work next week. I'm sharing a room with 3 "friends" that I wish I never met. I recently opened up to them about them always interrupting me, and they told me it happens to all of them. That's all they said. And 5 minutes later they were partying like I hadn't said anything.

I'm just so fucking tired. Them interrupting me for YEARS has caused me problems with speaking. I can't finish sentences, if someone pays attention to me I quickly forget what I was talking about, because I just can't remember.