The Way I Loved You

Prologue

"And then came the day when you stood by him at Church, not where you had dreamt of standing, facing him as his bride. But you were there as his best-woman, behind him, like you had stood all your lives. Watching from afar as he reached out for someone else".

You were thirteen, playing with your little sister in the front yard when you saw a car pull up in front of the house next to you, that had been sitting empty for months. And out walked the most chaotic family you had ever laid eyes on. Parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents; all clamouring over one another, speaking in a language you didn't quite unde. All trying to get a good view of the house. It was in that moment of chaos, at the naïve age of thirteen, you first understood the meaning of the word “Equanimeous” when your eyes met with the most beautiful pair of brown eyes you had ever seen. But you would be blind to not notice the swirl of caramel in them. It was as if you saw it all in his eyes, how the sun had itself come down, to embrace the rich earth, its hues promising hope and life. He stood right at the heart of the chaos, and while he was not physically a part of it, he carried all of life's turmoil, right inside of him.

One look at him and you knew. You knew that loving Eddie Diaz would prove to be just that, like you are standing in the middle of chaos. Always. But when he turned towards you, his cautious, kept eyes piercing through yours, you knew that it was already too late. So you did the only thing you could think of. You raised your hand, and you waved.

You were sixteen, sitting at the foot of his bed, doing homework together when Eddie confessed to you that you were the best friend he ever had. How you would listen to him and be there for him like no other. How you would understand him like no other. How he loved to listen to you gossip and go on and on about the littlest, most random things. And just as your heart had started to swell with all the emotions too complicated for a sixteen-year-old, they had all come to a crushing end just as quickly. For it was the same day that Eddie had confessed to you about his feelings for Shannon from middle school, for the first time.

As you lay in bed that night, the realisation hitting again and again, like tumultuous waves hitting the coast repeatedly till there is nothing left to salvage, that Eddie Diaz would never see you the way you see him. He would never find meanings of unexplainable emotions in your eyes. He would never find the peace in you, that you found in him. You realised that your best friend Eddie Diaz would never love you the way that you already love him. Whole-heartedly. Selflessly.

You were nineteen, high school somehow already a distant memory but your best friend still seared in your heart like a fresh pain. The past year was a whirlwind. You saw the only guy you had ever loved since you were thirteen, expecting a child with the only woman he had ever loved. And you were there for all of it, such was the cruel joke of life. You saw him slowly fall in love with Shannon, confess his raw, honest feelings about her, to you, call you with tears in his eyes when he got to know that Shannon was pregnant. And you were there for him for all of it, because to you, at the end of the day, he was your home, your Eddie and even if your best friend had slowly started to feel more like the chaos itself than your escape from it, you did not turn away.

And then came the day when you stood by him at Church, not where you had dreamt of standing, facing him as his bride. But you were there as his best-woman, behind him, like you had stood all your lives. Watching from afar as he reached out for someone else. So that day, after the ceremony, you wished your genuine best to a very pregnant Shannon and a dreamy eyed Eddie and never looked back. You had a flight to LA to catch to. A fresh start, you told yourself, leaving more emotional baggage than the physical ones you are taking. And in that same night, to the complete unknowing of your best friend of more than five years, with a new destination, a new determination and a new phone number that only your family was aware of, you left home. To never to turn back again.