Heres me. Sweet, understanding, curious, giving, loving.
What is held inside is what's under the ocean. Theres the top of the ice burg...then there's the bottom.
Not much of a helper, get annoyed easily, hate people, don't understand others at times, hurting on the inside, need help, no friends....
My emotions. Why can't I be normal? Why is my both mom a drinker? Why do I hate working? Why can't I sound nice? Why are people so mean? Wait, clay is so nice and caring....he's helping me.....why can't I break through? Floyd, has he seen trauma? Why do I feel like I connect with em? Branch, he doesn't talk much but kiyahs branch....I see myself in him...I connect with em more then ever. Clay said that john was scared to come on here......getting off track.....why can't I be a good leader? What am I doing that the others are doing? Wait, my case manager is saying she has to keep reminding me to smile and say hi when I'm literally about to hurt someone. I mean I won't but.....can she lay off me? Oh thank god I gotten help from this one other women. Floyd said he could be my personal therapist...it looks like I'm the one that needs to be there for him. People keep telling me to be happy when I'm sad.....the reason I have a hard time cause these thoughts pop in.
My birth mom abandoned me but doesn't feel so hard but I'm hurt because she continues to listen to other people and it draws her away from me and she wants to be with me. She can't handle me.
My mom was nice but she was a stupid gold digger and blamed my dad for things he never did and she was bad. She kept me inside the house for so long. No friends and no one to understand me, I didn't understand myself. I was partly raised by her aids....my mom always in pain. Didn't understand why I couldn't see my dad but I was also scared of em at the same time....all the good people walked out on me in my life....including the ones that were like brothers and sisters to me. The courts, people telling me to put the past in the past....when the past still comes after us. I have no mom and I search for the missing parts.....I just wanna female love.....clays love....floyds.....fam love...... No ones perfect.......but you all seam so a head of me......why do I feel like this. I deal with bad anxiety that causes me to be scared of the world. No one understands me. I don't understand myself. My dad says I'll be alone.....I already had that planned out.......why am I made? I don't understand what my purpose is, what the hell I have to overcome..... God please help me......and ....my demons. They make me scared...theres more to come, the way they fake their identity but I see them, the images AND SHUT UP CLAY!!! 211 WILL HAVE TO WAIT!!! Sorry....don't mean to yell....the truth is its kind of annoying. I get it that's the only thing you can say...but there's much more, just listening..... Like sadness did in the first movie with Bing bong. If that's not you can do..then that's fine. I know you care....but I need someone to sit and listen not someone to lend me some number that I've delt with in the past. Im doing the best I can....I hop I wasn't sounding rude....just got a bit....annoying. Please don't take this personal bro. I love you so much. When I first met you I was drawn to you and I love that I met you. Your so nice and kind. I also with I could get to know the rest but business... I get it. It's not any of you....it's just that I'm lonely and trying my best to respect all of you I just tend to get carried away a bit.....lol.
That's how I feel.
It's hard for me to find the right people. And sometimes the right people are there.....and I'm so scared and paranoid to even notice....I left them in but my mind doesn't wanna except the help but I want it so badly.
I love you all Branch, John, Bruce, Clay, Floyd, Poppy, Viva, Candy, Lea, Jay. You all have a place in my heart. Others might be having a deeper meaning while some of you....are just friends.
I want peace....I want happiness...... I just.......I'm lost and.....and I feel broken and helpless..... It's don't wanna hear about 211 *looks at clay and candy* please. I've spoken to my councilor about it and she just said to keep telling my demons off....WHAT ELSE YOU WANT ME TO DOOO!!!?? Im sorry I see your helping me......😣😣😣😣this is stressing me out. You two are telling me I should and my councilor is telling me another......😩😩😩😩
Kid cudi: I search for peace but I don't attain. I would never
believe that I would relate to this lyric so damn hard til now.
*hugs clay and candy* please don't take it personal I love you guys so much. *rubs clays hand with my thumb gently and smiles*
I love you all
Adios
