Why can't I be more for my friends? I get into so many arguments, it's like I WANT them to hate me. They do hate me. I should kill myself, because what's that point? No one actually WANTS to be my friend. I bet they're faking it, because my personality is so shit, I just....im sorry. I'm sorry Q. I'm sorry K. I can't fix myself, but I will ALWAYS try to fix you. Vent to me all you want, I am always here. Don't ask about me, I'm fine. Q, I don't even know what to say. I'm horrible. I want to be good, kind, helpful, funny, and better, but I just CANT. I can't do it, and I want to give up. K, I was mean, and I don't think I officially apologized. I want to so bad, but I am scared. If I'm being realistic, you'll be happy I said sorry. But in my mind, you will never forget that one mean comment. But if you're reading this, I'm so, so sorry. I was rude, and I feel bad for it, even now, months later. Someone help me. I cant do this. I'm a horrible friend, but for some reason I can't say sorry. Why am I randomly picking fights? There's no way they're the wrong one when I'm such a horrible person...
I want to end it all. I make jokes about it and laugh off others joking comments like "Kys teehee lmao" but I actually think about doing it when they say something like that. It brings me closer to the edge every time I hear someone say it, but the worst part is, I say it too. I say it to fit in, but I don't know if it negatively affects others. If it does, I would stop, but I'm not sure, it's just become a habit of saying it.
I love my friends dearly, but every time I make them upset my mind rushes to call me horrible things. I think about the worst possible outcomes, and I constantly think of ways I could kill myself. I want to die, and the feeling is getting worse. There's only a few things keeping me from ending it.
1. Mom
2. My cat
3. My friends
If I lost any one of those....I'm done. If one more person I know dies, I will fucking end my life.
