My head hurts, i feel my body ache with every move i make, i feel my body refuse as i try to better myself, my body longs for comfort, warmth, peace. I feel my mind refuse, sabotage itself, pushes the things i want away, makes me weak, pathetic worthless, it refuses me to cry, to have self belief. I look into the mirror and the reflection staring back at me isn't human, it's disfigured, disgusting, ugly. I'm ugly, i'm something else not human, i don't deserve anyone, no matter the craving, i don't deserve you.
I fall asleep knowing that i'm with you in my dreams i feel happiness, i'm not lonely, i feel at peace, like my soul has a purpose. As soon as i wake up i feel that disappear, i feel the disappointment that i've awoken, as if my minds is telling me to end it, i force myself to sleep, i force the thoughts of darkness, of disease, discomfort, sadness to go just for the chance of being with you, i'm not strong enough. I never was and i never will be.
I feel the cold floor beneath my head, the feeling of comfort reassures me, i hear the faint voices telling me to stay awake, but i've never felt so at peace within myself, i see her, i see the life i have with her, i feel it, i feel those things i feel in my dreams, her cold hands reaching out to me, her brown eyes lit up by the sunshine, her brunette hair shining, glistening. i feel tall spring grass tickling my body around me, i feel drips of rain fall onto my face, i feel like myself again. Is this what i deserve, am i truly going to feel peace.
I feel so safe,
I am safe.
