For Your Love | Keith Powers

Prologue.

When she was young, she always said she wouldn't be like any of her family members. She wouldn't have to struggle or live paycheck to paycheck. Most importantly, she wouldn't be dumb over a man.

Growing up, life wasn't always easy. It was hectic. Most definitely a struggle. She had to share a bed all the time, sometimes worrying about where her next meal would come from. She didn't have a mother or father. Neither were dead, just absent.

She always told herself that she would find a way to break the cycle. She always adored her auntie—not the ones who got hurt by men endlessly, or the ones who always moved back home even though they were adults pushing 30. But the one who never came back home, had a steady job, and owned a house. She aspired to be like her. At times, she believed that her aunt loved her more than her mother ever did.

She felt abandoned by her mother and her father. Although her father was only a good 30 minutes away, he never called, never came to visit, never changed his number, and hadn't changed his address in years. He just never made an effort. He had a perfect life with his wife and other kids. She just assumed he was always busy.

Her mother was never around until later during her teenage years. Her mother had always moved around. It was always a constant back-and-forth thing with her. She had always been understanding of her mother's situation, but it still hurt like hell.

Her mother's and father's absence had hurt her more than anyone knew. She didn't show it much; instead, she caused behavioral problems. She began stealing, acting up in school, being overly emotional, and very hypersexual. No one knew that it was all for attention, all because she wanted her parents' love. There was no talking about her feelings or sending her to therapy. No one could afford it, and no one wanted to listen. They just assumed that she was acting out because she was problematic.

Always hiding in bathrooms and closets, hoping to shut out the outside world.

In her household, they assumed whippings were always the answer. No one noticed that her behavior was a cry for help, and she never brought it up.

Books. Books were her escape. Then writing. It made her believe that someday she would become everything she wanted to be and that she would achieve every standard she set for herself. Romance was her favorite. The idea of someone loving her and cherishing her forever made her feel safe.

She had gotten introduced to porn and sex at an early age. She often found herself watching it more and more as she grew. She was often touched by family members. She knew it was wrong and often wanted to tell but didn't. It wasn't a big deal since they didn't actually have sex with her, she thought. It still messed her up and ate at her constantly. It taught her not to trust men.

She was very confused about her sexuality. She just told everyone she was straight. She had two real boyfriends: the first for nearly eight months and the second continuously. Both were controlling and manipulative. She tells herself that she didn't love the first one, that she just let it drag on for months knowing any feelings weren't there and felt horrible when they broke up.

The second she believed she loved. Truly. They had their problems, but she couldn't bring herself to break up with him. Ever. He was all she had ever wanted. He even gave her a ring. During her relationship, she cried herself to sleep almost every night. She often believed that no one loved her, that she wasn't pretty enough or slim enough. He had never called her beautiful, and it hurt her more than she thought. She would just never admit it.

She ended up letting him take her virginity. Maybe that's why she couldn't bring herself to break up with him. She had given him a piece of her. She often felt him drifting away and not putting any effort into the relationship. That hurt her even more. The thought of letting him go pained her. She blamed it all on her father, saying that he had made her this way. Maybe she was right.

She often found herself craving male attention and having an obsession with altering her appearance, wanting to look more like models and less like herself.

She always thought she was bothering everyone, like she wasn't a priority. It really caused her to think, what would life be like without her.

Her family and others often pointed out things about her image, mainly about her weight, which made her uncomfortable. She hated it. Just when she had started to get comfortable with it and accept it, they had ruined it once again.

It had taken her a while to rebuild herself. Finally in an image that she loved and respected. All she wished for is someone who would do the same.