For Your Love | Keith Powers

Prologue Cont.

When he looks back on that specific part of his life, he focuses on the good memories. Coming home to the smell of vanilla, the days when his parents would get along, going back to Mali to visit his family. Those were the moments he loved the most. When his parents wouldn't fight, moments when he wasn't alone.

He hated himself growing up. How scrawny he was, how easy it was for others to bully him. He was picked on throughout middle school until his freshman year of high school. He joined any sports team that would accept him. He bulked up, put on weight, his voice finally dropped, and something else dropped too. He quickly advanced on the social tier, gaining popularity.

He began to get more and more attention from girls. He hated the way they threw themselves at him but he didn't say anything.

In his sophomore year, one girl caught his eye, Nadia. She was the only one who didn't throw herself all over him and treat him like a celebrity. He was grateful for that.

They dated for months until one day she invited him over while her parents weren't home. They both got drunk. He was passed out on her bed and woke up to her pulling on his pants.

"What are you doing?" He said groggily.

He tried to sit up and was pushed down by her.

"Shh, just relax," she said as she hovered over him.

She began to touch him all over, making him very uncomfortable. He had no idea what sex felt like, but he figured it wasn't that.

When she finally finished, he made an excuse, saying he needed to get home. He blocked her and changed schools.

As much as he tried to, he couldn't escape it. His mind often flooded with memories of her touch, the noises she made as she came, the smell of the room. It made him physically sick just thinking about it.

She had violated him. She had completely taken advantage of his vulnerability. His kindness.

He never told anybody. He was afraid of being made fun of. To other boys, it may have been heaven, but he hated every minute of it.

He became depressed and went through life miserably. Whenever he had crushes on girls, he would push them away out of fear. He began to hate himself once more feeling like that scrawny little boy all over again. She had completely ruined his confidence.

His parents had noticed the change but blamed it on "puberty." If only they knew what he was actually going through.  He carried the weight of his secret alone, the burden of his past experiences shaping his present and future in ways he couldn't fully explain.

He eventually learned how to manage his pain, but he never fully healed. He no longer engaged in relationships, scared to put his trust in anyone.

When he got older, he realized he liked sex. A lot. He craved it. It was the moments after sex that he hated. The ones who wanted to cuddle afterward, hold hands, do cute couple things. He just couldn't. He hated intimacy.

He was always skeptical about therapy but went anyway. It ended up helping him a lot. He no longer had nightmares, and thoughts of Nadia no longer invaded his mind. He felt better. He still didn't date, but he wanted a family. It crossed his mind a lot.

He was successful, but it meant nothing because he had no one to share it with. All his friends were getting married and having babies. He wanted kids; he absolutely adored them. His mother pestered him about it a lot.

"When are you giving me a grandbaby? I'm not going to be here forever, Lucas."

"Soon, ma," he always said, even though it was starting to look a lot like never.

He was ready to settle down. He just hadn't found the one yet.

Despite the facade of success and achievement, there was a part of him that remained fractured, yearning for healing and connection that seemed elusive.

As he navigated through his emotions and relationships, he held onto a glimmer of hope that one day he would find the understanding and acceptance he so desperately sought.