Fuck This Shit

Tuesday, July 9 2024 11:29 pm

I don't know why this happens but I always get sad during summer. I'm currently thinking of killing myself, but schools about to start. But what would people at school think. I don't wanna leave these people with this bad impression of me, and my death would probably cause some stupid ass assembly. I also don't wanna die with Nilah(fake name) still liking me, and thinking I still like her because in my opinion she's a little annoying, and I keep telling her I don't like her anymore but she keeps trying to get with me so I feel like my death would hit her just a little. Also what about my dad what would happen with him what if he gets extremely sad and just quits working at Amazon, and his landscaping business goes bad, and he can't support my sisters. That would all be on me. I can't be that selfish because then I'd just be dead stuck in a dark room feeling guilty for the rest of eternity wondering why I did it knowing my life could've gotten better. What about my friends right they would be like "wtf happened to $@#-"?&" of course I wouldn't leave without saying goodbye but I wouldn't tell them what i was about to do. I wish for is somebody I could talk to but I'm all I have and that's gonna be it for awhile. I want to talk to somebody without getting judged or getting ignored. I feel like a therapist would be a good option, but if I tell her of my cutting or suicidal thoughts I could be admitted into a psych ward. I'm not crazy or dangerous. I've been angry and for a while now and all I need is someone to talk to and relate to because I feel like I might be like one of those abused to abuser type of people because of everything bottled up and honestly that bottle is gonna crack soon and I'll just seem crazy and spoiled and ungrateful of everything I have as of right now. My dad left when I was a baby because my mom is an alcoholic but I have had a question for a while now, why didn't he take us with him? he could've took us and he didn't! why did he leave us with that monster of a woman?? he left us to die, we had to fend for ourselves. She ruined me, she absolutely destroyed me as a person and now I'm this waste of air, now I'm just like her.