A Solitary Existence

Intro: The anomaly

Okay, I can't really give a good description of myself, because it's constantly changing, so I'll try my best to just state who I am in the moment. I little intro, I know you guys don't like to hear this— but I'm 14. I'm not gonna write a thirsty fanfic or anything like that, so don't click off because you're scared of a number. Also, reading about me means constantly being confused, and don't worry; you'll never get used to it. Want to know my name and how my story goes? Me too. You kind of have to suck it up and read for now, because it gets interesting.

Let's get into the complicated stuff first, it's gonna be long but hopefully you have the attention span of someone older than a 10 year old.

To put it in a nutshell, I don't have a personality. And no I'm not saying stupid shit just because I'm in a weird generation, I genuinely mean I don't. I've been an asshole, I've been a pushover, I've been reserved, I've been obnoxious and any other under the sun. You might not get this now, but this book is about me trying to get at least one person to understand my perspective. It's not a pity party, but I'm a teenager and that feeling to be understood is getting stronger, even if I don't want to admit it. And it's not just personality either. I can't choose a hobby, a name I feel like is mine, a style, and any other thing that makes someone human. I make robots, I work out, I draw, I study science by myself a fuck ton, I know a lot of languages, I write, and I'd love to say that I love doing all that, but again— with me you never know. I don't know if I hate or love it, I don't know if I only do it so I won't be a fuck up, I just do it. That's who I am. I exist, and that is all.
I know that it's normal to be confused in my youth, but Jesus Christ this has to be wrong. I mean, I change what makes me myself every month. When I go up to people, sometimes I have to ask them how I usually act around them. I have to ask I stranger who I am. It's pathetic. I know you'd like to say "just choose one" or "just be yourself", but I hope you realize how truly stupid you sound. It's hard to say that when I'm on a separate team from everyone I know on this earth, but I swear I'm right. Through this, I'm gonna be cocky, I'm gonna be wallowing in self pity, I'm gonna be funny, and if you're lucky I'll be someone you enjoy listening to. Here's a better insight.

What I write like when I'm wallowing in self pity:

"I wish I could've cried in my mother's arms, even though I know she will always be crying in mine. I notice now that I never grew stronger, I just grew tired. And it was a hefty cost for being a child."

Or

"The best thing about the worst time of your life is that you get to see the true colors of everyone you cared for."

And

"I don't care if people talk about me behind my back. I just want to be able to like myself."

" Don't say that. I love you, but you have no idea what your talking about. It's more then that. it's like a bug in between your skin. It bites you, it eats away at you, but no matter how hard you try it won't go away and it will never die until you die first. It's more than irritating."

When I'm being cocky and smart, I'll write like this:

"The universe is basically an animal. It grazes on the ordinary. It creates infinite idiots just to eat them."

Or

"The meaning of life is whatever you make of it, Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere.

And

"Nobody gets it. Nothing you think matters, matters. This isn't special, this is happening infinite times across infinite realities."

And

"By the time the smartest of the smarts get me, I'll be honored— or disgusted."

When I'm feeling at peace I'll write like this:

"I don't know what to do with the fact of life, so I'll just repeat it to myself until I magically make something of it."

Or

"And the winner is.. outrage? Plus, if the economy is good, why does it feel bad?"

And

"So, even though you have broken my heart yet again, I wanted to say, in another life, I would have really liked just doing laundry and taxes with you."

When I'm feeling self deprecating and disappointed in myself, which is most of the time. I'll write like this.

"Why are you crying? Isn't this what you wanted? For me to yell at you because you'd rather lose the people you love than hear the word "no"? Huh?"

"Why do you push people until they can't take it anymore?"

"Hold on to that horrible feeling and learn from it. Sometimes it's the only way you'll improve."

"I can't afford my actions, but I continue anyway as if the consequences are inevitable."

"I can't stand myself. I can't stand the way I am."

"The second I meet someone I might as well just apologize right then and there. It would save everyone some time."

"Im not mad at you, I just wish you learned from your mistakes."

"It's my fault for expecting anything from you."

"I dont care what you want to call it, you've been shutting your eyes and covering your ears making yourself blind and deaf to that what you wish to avoid. See? You're running away from reality again."