Chemistry Between Us

Prologue

The more passionate you are, the more excruciating failure would be.

Feels like you're being shot and stabbed over and over again.

As usual, I'm here at the library, my place to kill time and most especially when I needed to be alone.

Here I am, silently crying in my safe place.

My feet automatically brought me here to the library when my two eyes saw the result of my math quiz.

Isa na lang...

Akala ko sa sinabi ni ma'am na "isa na lang", isa na lang perfect score na.

Pero sino bang mag-aakala na isa na lang one digit na score ko?

Ano bang minumukmok ko? What's the difference if one mistake nga or isa na lang one digit na score ko?

Both are devastating.

Nalamutak ko muli ang mukha ko nang sumampal muli sa akin ang katotohanang iyon.

I'm always on top, excelling in academics at all times.

What did go wrong? Back then I was so confident when I submitted my paper because I knew I would ace it.

"Ahh," I groaned loudly in frustration, letting all my disappointment and pain out.

There's no one else here so I freed myself from the pain I'm carrying.

I studied for this weeks ago and all night yesterday just to receive a fucking 9 out of 25?!

"Putangina mo, Aiah." I cursed at myself for having that kind of score.

I won't accept that.

They know me as a child who is naturally smart. Since elementary school until now I always have high honors so I know they have high expectations.

They never pressured me in my studies but their silent expectations are killing me.

It wasn't long before I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I let it out and run down my cheeks.

Walang tao rito, Aiah. No one will see you in your weak state.

"O-okay lang yan," I tried comforting myself but I ended up crying more.

"Quiz lang yan, iniiyak iyak mo?"

Funny, how I invalidate my own feelings. Maybe the reason I laugh and make jokes about this instead of crying a river because I've taught myself to invalidate my own feelings so it doesn't hurt so bad.

"Tangina, tigilan mo nga 'yang pag-iyak mo."

I broke down and sobbed like a child.

Kung panaginip lang 'to, gisingin niyo na ako bago pa ako mabaliw.

I harshily slapped myself hoping this is just merely a nightmare, but it wasn't...

Isang achiever na tinitingala at laging nangunguna, nakatikim ng neube sa isang quiz. I laughed.

Call me whatever you want, but my precious eyes cannot stand those score.

Paulit-ulit kong binubuklat ang test paper, umaasang namalik-mata lang ako pero hindi, walang nagbago.

"Mag-aaral na nga lang, di mo pa nagawa ng maayos," reklamo ko sa sarili ko habang umaagos pa rin ang mga luha.

Kung pwede lang kanina pa ako nagdabog.

"A-ano na lang sasabihin nila?"

Concerned ako sa sarili ko dahil naging buhay ko na academics at alam kong ikakasira ng ulo ko kung may hindi magandang nangyari pero mas concerned ako sa mga tao sa paligid ko...ano magiging reaksyon nila?

Who am I without my academic achievements?

No one.

Yung akala nilang matalino, heto bumagsak at baka nga pinakamababa pa sa klase. I started sobbing up again as I realized that I wasn't the student they expected, naturally smart.

"HINDI KA NGA MATALINO, PINAGPIPILITAN MO PA." I shouted at myself.

I knocked myself on the table and poured out all the tears there.

"Therapist," I suddenly whispered, wala na ako sa tamang pag-iisip, kinain na ako ng academics ko.

After a few minutes of pounding and crying at the table, I was already exhausted letting it out.

Meron pa bang iiiyak?

Kailangan ko uli uminom ng tubig para may mailuha pa.

I was about to take the test paper to fold it up and go to the restroom, I don't want them to see me looking like this, obviously just got over grieving. I noticed a blue handkerchief and a sticky note.

Galing kanino 'to? Wala namang ibang tao kanina dito sa library.

Luminga-linga ako sa paligid, tinitignan kung kanino galing ito pero wala akong nakitang bakas ng tao.

I grabbed the handkerchief and used it to wipe my tears. I have a handkerchief with me in case, but I think I left it at the top of my bag in hurry. A sticky note was also left on the table so driven by curiousity on what was written I read it.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Every setback is a set-up for a comeback. You'll do better next time. Mas bagay sa'yo naka-smile:)

I smiled when I saw the last sentence came up. Mas bagay sa akin nakasmile?

I got compliments of that, many times, but it still feels comforting.

I shook the feeling of being afraid that someone may be here. If that person didn't happen to come here, maybe I'm still not feeling better.

I looked around again, looking for this person but there was none so I decided to walk to the restroom. Tinago ko sa bulsa ng palda ko ang sticky note. I fixed myself first in front of the camera of my phone before deciding to walk. I can't let somone pass me looking like a mess. Nakasalubong ko pa si Ms. Ortiguerra na kakapasok lang ng lib.

"Una na po ako, thank you po." I did my best to plaster my best smile.

"Sige, ingat ka." She replied joyfully.

Pagkadating sa restroom ay matagal kong tinitigan ang sarili ko sa salamin. "Hay nako, Maraiah." I sighed heavily.

Mas gumaan na ang pakiramdam ko ngayon dahil sa pagmamalasakit na pinakita ng stranger. Wow, it really is, it really has the power to change something, maliit man o malaki.

Kumilos ako ng malaya, walang ibang tao rito sa restroom kaya walang kaso kung gagawa ako rito ng mga nakakahiya at magsasalita ng mga kung ano ano.

Naghilamos ako sa restroom, dala ko ang hygiene kit ko, alam ko naman na dito ang ending ko.

"Hindi na yon mauulit, comeback." May diing sabi ko pagkatapos punasan ang mukha.

Ang next upcoming quiz namin ay sa isang araw pa, may oras pa para pag-aralan ng mas mabuti.

"Itaga sa bato, I'll surely ace this next!"

I said loudly, ignoring that maybe there is a presence of someone near the outside of the restroom.

I didn't even bother thinking about the reason why I got a score like that, I'll just think about it when I get home.

Right now, my focus is to make my day better and do things that make me happy so I can get back the tears I shed.