Nightfall Curse

chapter 20

Felix couldn’t think of anywhere to go, so the first place that popped into his head became his destination. He sat on the dry sand close to where Hyunjin had on the beach in Hokkaido. No one was out, despite it being a Sunday. A stiff, frigid wind blew in from the ocean and whipped at his hair and coat. Dark gray clouds writhed above him. In front of him, the ocean foamed and seethed. There was probably a local blizzard warning in effect. Felix was glad that he couldn’t feel the cold.

Loathe as he was to do it, he found a certain poetry in the weather and his mood. He wasn’t angry like the sky, but he wished that he was. The last thing he’d wanted to be was understanding. He’d always been that with Hyunjin. Always let him call the shots. Always let him make his move. Always let him decide their fate. Always let him have the last word. It tore at Felix, deep in his chest, knowing that Hyunjin took because Felix allowed. His love was a passive, toxic thing inside him. That’s why he’d given before Hyunjin demanded at their final joining. He’d been thrilled, terrified when Hyunjin had accepted. Then he’d crushed it when he had returned the gift with buyer’s remorse.

Felix tossed a piece of driftwood into the surf with a sigh. He’d never been so uncharitable of thought before. This must have been what his brothers and sisters talked about when they told him that he’d been on Earth among the humans for too long. Then again, he supposed he couldn’t always have the good parts. He had to take the good with the bad, or have nothing at all. But since he had accepted that fact, he allowed a bit of petulance and self-pity to leak in because the bad was a lot easier to focus on than trying to find the good.

A light snow began to fall. Felix stood up, turning his face towards it. He had always liked snow. Supposedly rain was the purifying agent. But when it solidified into endless fractals that chilled everything they touched, Felix found beauty in that. He saw God in a world painted white. He supposed that he should be grateful for that much since he rarely saw God anywhere else.

It was time to leave. Maybe somewhere indoors. Remote. He was slightly surprised that he desired to be squirreled away confined after spending days in the hospital. But when he appeared in an old prospector’s cabin in Montana, he was glad he’d come. No one ever stayed here. It was remote and all of the old trails leading towards it had overgrown years ago. Decades, probably. Felix maintained it himself with pride. It was small so that it could be heated easily during the harsh winters, just under two hundred square feet total. There was an iron fireplace, double bed, wood burning stove, and a hand carved wooden table worn shiny with use. Not much else in the way of decoration since Felix didn’t need those sorts of things, but he’d brought a few items in over time. A crocheted blanket, moth-eaten brown sofa, a curious collection of river rocks that he enjoyed the feel of. Felix snapped his fingers and a fire roared to life in the fireplace. He’d never gotten the hang of making them the human way, though he was fascinated by the process.

He removed his trench coat and folded it carefully over the back of the couch before sitting down to watch the flames in the fireplace. The musky smell of burning wood combined with the sound of crackling sparks relaxed him immeasurably. It never failed to.

He took a moment to look around the room, smiling. Nothing had changed in his absence, he was pleased to note, except for a thin layer of undisturbed dust. Naturally he hadn’t expected anyone to have found the place. He’d warded it quite strictly once he’d realized that no one owned the place or even visited, like so many spots in this part of the country; either turned into ghost towns or swallowed up and claimed by nature. His eyes settled on the bed tucked into the far corner of the room behind the utility sink that only had running water from a well outside about half the time. Angels didn’t sleep. There was no reason for that bed to be there at all. Once upon a time he’d allowed himself the small and brief fantasy of bringing Hyunjin here. The very air surrounding the secluded spot felt like him. He’d enjoy the rough terrain. Probably love fishing in the cold river less than a mile away. Felix had thought about it when he’d visited the hunter in his dream to find him sitting by a lake. His happy place. Somewhere quiet with a good view. The sunrises from the cabin were spectacular.