𝒜 𝒮𝓊𝓂𝓂ℯ𝓇 ℒ𝒾𝓀ℯ 𝓃ℴ 𝒪𝓉𝒽ℯ𝓇|| 𝒿ℯ𝓇ℯ𝓂𝒾𝒶𝒽 𝒻𝒾𝓈𝒽ℯ𝓇 𝓍 𝓇ℯ𝒶𝒹ℯ𝓇

N I N E T E E N

We were sitting on the couch crying.  I was sitting with Susannah and her boys. Alex was next to me. I laid my head on Alex's shoulder sobbing. He wrapped his arms around me also crying. I never would have expected this. Susannah is always so full of life. 

"I'm so sorry the night turned out like this. It's not how I wanted you to find out." Susannah said putting her hand On Jeremiah's cheek. He had tears running down his face. It hurt to see all of them like that.

"Your going to do the trial right?" Jeremiah said and Susannah moved her hand and looked down.

"Uh. No honey. I'm not. I cant" Susannah said looking at him. I looked over at Susannah Confused. I can't believe this is happening. Susannah's cancer is back, and she's decided not to do the trial. I'm absolutely devastated. She's my confidant, my shoulder to cry on, my person. The thought of losing her makes me physically ill. I know I should be supportive of her decision, but it's so hard. I want her to do everything she can to fight this. I don't want to lose her. I just don't want to lose her. I'm so scared. I don't know what to do.

Susannah is the strongest person I know. She's been through so much, and she's always come out on top. I know she's a fighter, but I'm terrified that this time she's not going to be able to beat it. When my mom isn't there she steps in. I love Susannah so much I just can't lose her. I just want her to be here. I don't want to lose her.  

"Chances are very slight. Non existent really and I just can't go through that again." Susannah said looking at Jeremiah.

"It was too hard the first time," Susannah said holding back tears. I knew if I said something I would burst out into tears right there.

"Mom but you could try. You have to try! for me and Conrad. For all of us!" Jeremiah said with puffy eyes.

"I just want to be me when I go," Susannah said tilting her a head bit. 

"Does that make sense?" She said.

"Mom no. it doesn't make sense. None of this makes sense." Jeremiah said looking at Conrad then Alex and me then back at his mom.

"I know. I know. I'm not good at this. Okay?" Susannah said shaking Her head.

"Mommy is not good at this," Susannah said putting her hand on Jeremiah's cheek again. She moved her hand and looked at Conrad. She put her hand on his knee and Rubbed it a bit.

"I should've known that you knew," Susannah said still upset. 

"I just didn't want to believe it," Susannah added shaking her head and sniffling. I held Jeremiah's hand gently. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and He turned to his mom.

"Mom if there's any chance you have to. I mean you have to. Come on tell her Conrad." Jeremiah spoke up. Conrad looked at Jeremiah and Not saying anything.

"Why aren't you saying anything?" Jeremiah said louder.

"Mom this is crazy you have to try! you cant give up on us!" Jeremiah said. He was super sad and Was about to start sobbing any moment.

"Mom. Cant you just.. I mean cant you just try? for us mom." Conrad said about to start crying. Susannah couldn't say anything. Tears started to roll down her cheeks. 

"Come here" She managed to say through tears and she pulled both of her boys to her. They rester there head on her chest. Her arms were wrapped around the both of them and All of them began to sob. Alex and I walked out because We let them have alone time. 

An hour went by and I walked upstairs and Jeremiah had his elbows on his knees and He looked up at me and he was hysterically crying. I walked over to him. My heart ache seeing him like this. I sat down. I then wrapped my arms around him and He began to cry even more. I rubbed his back and His head. Jeremiah rested his head on my shoulder. I began to speak to him a poem I learned about what it's like to lose somebody.. He seemed to calm down a bit. He was sniffling. He sat up and looked at me. I wiped his tear away with my thumb. I laid down and He laid in my arms. He had his head under my chin.

"She's doing the trial.."  Jeremiah said quietly.  

"that's amazing." I said letting a little smile escape my lips. He was looking at the down. I'm devastated. Her doctors offered her a chance to join an experimental trial, but she's decided not to do it. She's tired of fighting, and she just wants to spend what time she has left with her loved ones.

I don't want to lose her. I just don't want to lose her. She's like my second mom, and I can't imagine my life without her. I'm so scared. I don't know what to do.

"i'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I can't imagine what you must be feeling. I know this is hard, but you're not alone. I'm here for you, no matter what. I love you, and I want you to know that I'll always be here for you. I'll support you in any way I can." I then said wiping a tear off my face. He had his arms wrapped around me. Later on I was rubbing his head softly. I heard Laurel speak from downstairs.

"We still need to eat!" Laurel spoke. Jeremiah and I stood up. I wiped his tears away and he his head. I pulled him into a hug wrapping my arms around his neck and He wrapped his arms around my waist. I kissed his cheek. We then walked downstairs and Sat at the table. Laurel brought the spaghetti out. We all were trying to make the dinner the best. It just felt off. knowing this would be the last summer without Susannah.