Estrangement

I got off the lift on the 23rd floor and searched for the apartment number I had seen on the address. All of the doors were identical, but this one had a colourful pattern drawn on standard paper and annotated with an immature scribble spelling out "The Fitzgerald Family".

I didn't know what to think. I didn't know any Fitzgeralds, but I would soon see some of the most important people in my life, supposedly Fitzgeralds now.

I drew my breath sharply in, sniffed as if I smelt something rotten and gathered my courage to ring the bell.

It took some time for the door to open. The young woman at the door looked at me with no recognition and said "Can I help you?".

I am usually a good talker, but this time I had no idea how to start. When she saw how I hesitated, she started getting stressed.

"Jennie?"

"Yes... How do you know my name?"

"Jennie, I'm... I'm your father."

I could feel her blood turn to ice instantly. The worry in her eyes disappeared and was replaced by a cold, steely gaze.

"I see... My mother..."

"I know. That's why I wanted to see you. I'm very sorry for your loss... We had a good relation once. It sounds meaningless to say this after so many years, but it is indeed the truth."

She grimaced. "It is a bit... difficult for me to take your word in good faith. You've never been around. I don't remember you that much, frankly."

I sighed and looked into her eyes. "You have all the right to be suspicious of my intent. However, if you give me a chance and spare me maybe half an hour, I would like to tell you a story, a real one, that might explain how and why I disappeared from your life. I think it could mean a lot to me and maybe it will fill some of the blanks in your life story."

She hesitated, then opened the door wider. "Won't you come in?"

I went in. It was a modestly furnished flat with a practical living room. There were some toys spread around.

"How did you find my address?" she asked.

"I asked an old friend of your mother's and she agreed to give me the address when she heard that Joan passed away. It was much more difficult to find your whereabouts before... You should know that I tried..."

She asked whether I wanted a drink and I settled for coffee. As she went to the kitchen to make coffee, I looked around with some interest. It was a weird feeling. This woman, who was my oldest daughter, was a complete stranger to me. I did not know anything about her, her child (boy or girl), her family and anything else that is significant in her life. Of course, I deserved this, since I was the one who left and pursued my own goals. Thus no complaints to make...

We sat across each other, sipping strong coffee and sitting silently.

"Maybe you can tell me why you left us?" she said quietly. "I had asked my mother when I was young, but she usually gave me a lame answer and changed the subject quickly... I stopped asking after a while... I blamed myself initially, I must have done something wrong, causing you to leave us. I know now that this was childish, of course."

I cleared my throat. "Jennie. I don't know if it means anything, but I would like to apologise for my absence from your lives. It might be difficult to explain my motivation, but I would still like to try..."

"Go ahead..."

"We were living in the city. This was before any of you were born and just at the time when the government was trying to extend living areas beyond the immediate vicinity of the cities, where everyone had to relocate to during the extreme weather period in the last century. When I told your mother that I was considering to apply for a teaching job at a farming community, she was livid. She thought I lost my mind. We were city-dwellers, living outside the cities was unthinkable, until maybe a few years before that time. I told her that this was the only job I could find as an unexperienced teacher of literature.