NEET 2025 - Make It or Break It!

2. CHAPTER TWO

2024 (PRESENT)

I have gradually come to understand the feelings of loneliness and grief over time. As someone who is usually optimistic, cheerful, and bubbly, I never thought I could feel so empty inside. It's like everything that used to matter no longer does. I can now relate to those who smile even when they're hurting inside. I've learned how easy it is to pretend to be happy, as if nothing is wrong, and realize that people often don't notice. It's surprising how little they know about you. No one can tell the difference between who I am now and who I used to be. Simply put, they don't care enough, and they may not have the time or emotional awareness. Even my family, close friends, and loved ones can't seem to tell, whether it's due to distance from them or their inability to understand my feelings.

Speaking about my family, I come from a pretty strict household. Our focus is mainly on a person's achievements in life. Like most Indian households, our mental and emotional well-being tends to take a backseat to societal expectations and image. They have tried to make me believe that they don't differentiate based on gender, but being told, "We have never differentiated between you and your brother," indicates otherwise. Unfortunately, as a family, we lack emotional connection. We are all too busy pursuing our careers, buying houses and cars, and striving for promotions that we seem to have forgotten what it means to be a family. What is the point of having loved ones if you can't share your burdens with them? You know one thing about our Indian families, we believe giving the basic necessities or even the luxurious ones, is the only thing that a family does. I feel so sad every time I think of how I can not be mentally close to them. It's either because I am made differently or I think differently, but I have never been able to open up to my parents. I can not tell them what I feel, how I feel, why I feel. I feel like I am judged, not only by society but also by my family members. Do they not realise that their comments on how loud I laugh or how much I eat tarnish the little confidence I have had? Every time something goes wrong, every time I don't stand up to their expectations, the very same taunts are thrown at me. Right from telling how I am always so cheerful, to how I like eating certain things, to how I put too much focus on how I look, to how I am involved too much in my friends' lives, to how ignorant I am towards my future. How am I to tell you, Papa, mumma...how will I ever be confident enough to tell you what I did in the day, what I love eating, how I am so sick mentally that my face is breaking out, I am having severe hair fall and it's not me deviating from my goals and becoming a fashionista, how am I to share that I made some friends, how am I to share the mischief I did!! You expect me to inform you of everything only to use it against me. I am given the freedom to talk to my friends, and when the same friend calls a few more times, I am admonished. Why should I not talk to them when you are too busy blaming my entire existence? They are giving me a reason to live.

I understand that our parents do the best for us; they have given me the best possible education and given wings to my dreams. It's because of them I am living a life that many dream of. I have a house, clothes, food, books, everything a person needs in life. But dear Papa - Mumma, is it fair of you to remind me of the alms you have blessed upon me, especially when I am questioning my existence when I am ashamed of myself, when I already feel that I have let you down and don't deserve you? I understand it's your first time trying to live the circus called life, but isn't it mine too? You were given a choice to have me or not, I wasn't... I was to simply accept you and whatever you did to me. I can never repay you, you are equivalent to God for me, and I only wish to serve you in this lifetime; you are my parents; you gave birth to me. I can never be thankful enough to you. But Mumma- Papa, just because I don't see the harshness of the world, why are you turning harsh to me? Isn't the world doing enough, why are you both so hell-bent on driving me away from yourselves? It could be because of the stage of life I am at, where I am not confident about myself and I feel like everyone is just pointing out my weakness, but why can't you reassure me and give me love? I understand it is very difficult to love an unsuccessful child, but I can change Ma, I can and I will. Is it too much to expect a simple hug from your mother, a simple reassurance that you are doing well and we are proud of you? Why have I never heard a single praise from you, Mumma-Papa? Am I that dumb and useless? If you love me, it is not wrong to sometimes show me that.