Days go by to fast

June 29, 11:25 pm: Our last talk.

I'm not ready to let go of you. Don't... don't let go, don't leave me in this cruel world alone. I need you. Hold me... I'll hold your hand until your eyes shut and your heart beats no more. I'll stand here and hold you like you held me. I won't let go like you never let go of me. I'm here, I'm right here. I promise I won't fail you. You can pass over now, go to those pearly white gates you told me about that you want to see. I will forever miss you. I know you said you're ready, but I'm not. I'll miss your calls, your laugh, your hugs, your jokes. I'll miss your advice, your love. Tell me you love me once more. Call me your glow bug one more time. I love you, Grandpa. These thoughts run through my head as you say your goodbyes to everyone like you know what's going on, but don't say goodbye. There's a chance, isn't there? You'll make it, won't you? Please say you will. I'm scared.

It's been 3 days since you passed. I haven't gone out much. Ma's been crying and not eating a lot. Mom's been quiet and just working herself. Dad and Mom have been fighting a lot more. I'm scared. I have a problem I don't know how to solve without you. I'm scared everyone will hate me. Rest well, Pa. I love you. Enjoy paradise.

It's been 3 months since you passed. How are you, Pa? Do you feel better? Are you having fun? I hope so. Ma's still really sad. She's been getting out more, so that's good. Mom and Dad broke up. You know, that's the first time I saw Dad cry, but it's for the best, you know? Maybe everything will be okay. I have something to tell you, Pa. You promise not to be mad? I mean, technically you can't be, heh. Well, I... I'm gay. I know, I know, you're probably a little pissed, but you know, I'm finding myself right now. I've known for a while now, but it's hard to talk about or even think about without crying. I hope you still love me.

Hahaha, how about we talk about how nephew turned 3? I'm so happy. He reminds me of you, just so free and happy, also very creative like us. He loves to draw. I think he's going to be an artist like me. He's so smart too. Also, we got a new dog. His name's Milo. He's adorable; you would love him! That's all that's new for now. I love you, Pa. Rest well.

It's been 6 months. I'm still standing strong like you told me to. I'm sorry I've cried. I've tried so hard to stay strong, but no one will see my tears. I'm doing this. I promise I'm standing strong.

I've been going to therapy. She's really nice to me, and Mom's got a raise. She works really hard like you taught her. I've been fishing more, and I made a book! My therapist likes it, but I'm a little sad Mom doesn't have time to read it. But you know, you can't blame her. Dad and I are going out tonight! So rest well, Pa. I love you.

It's been one year. I miss you more and more every day. Ma's doing better, and Dad's getting paid better. Oh, I got a girlfriend, Pa. Are you happy? Brother graduated. He's a lineman now, and he works hard like you taught him. Sister had a baby! She's gorgeous and she has your eyes. And nephew started school, and big brother got married. Oh, and I started drawing and studying more like you asked me to. I know I don't study as much as you would like, but I'm trying. It's been hard since you passed, you know. Also, Mom got that fancy car you kept bugging her to get. And you know how you kept telling me to make friends? I made some. They're a little crazy, but hey, they are sweet. I cut my hair. I know you would've loved it, and we all miss you. I can't wait to bring you more updates. I can't wait to hear how you have been and I hope I made you proud. Hope you're okay. Rest well, Grandpa. Until next time. Love you.

It's been 1 year and 2 months. Hahaha, I don't know why I've been counting. I think it makes it less worse. Heh, by the way, I'm starting to write more. Are you happy? Haha, I don't know why I ask you questions. To be honest, I feel like you're still here sitting right beside me. I know it's probably weird, but I honestly think you aren't even gone. I feel like you're here, but sometimes when I go to your house, I forget you even passed and I always feel lost when I don't see you in your chair. I feel so lost. And when I don't know what to do and I dial up your number, I realize you're not here. I can't call you up anymore. I'm lost, Pa. I don't know what I'm going to do. Am I crazy? I don't know anymore, but I'm still standing strong like you told me to do. It's hard, but I'm doing it. I miss you, but now I have to say goodbye, Pa. It's getting late. Rest well. I love you.

It's been 1 year and 5 months. How are you? Hopefully, you're okay. I've got some news for you! I cut my hair so short, but I rock it, haha. Also, Ma's doing so well. She's trying new things, and we got matching earrings together! You would be so proud of her right now. She's doing her best! The baby's already giggling. She's so cute, and her eyes look just like yours. They are so blue. She is just gorgeous. You would love her. Mom's looking for houses like you begged her to because the house is just falling apart, hahaha.

And let's see what else is new... OH yes, I also got a dog. His name is Biscuit. He's my little demon child. You would literally be laughing at him; he's just a little stinker, haha. Also, we got your pond expanded, so it's bigger than ever, and we have that sitting area done. The house is just so beautiful. You should've been here to see it. We all miss you deeply. Rest well, Pa. Love you. XOXO, always your glow bug.