THE TOTAL BREAKDOWN

Joey is at Tijeras de Oro, Esperanza's salon - and he is determined to confront her about that guy in purple!

I whisper in her ear, asking if she'll have a minute soon to go outside and talk. She's busy right now, she says, but maybe in 15-20 minutes she can take a cigarette break. I say ok, and go back outside to breathe in the day. Purchasing some Chiclets, I begin ponder the upcoming showdown. I get back, we go outside, and she gives me a kiss on the lips before she lights up her cigarette.
"So, where you been, baby?" She twinkles her eyes like she does, and I start to melt and buckle. But, somehow I manage to hold on.
"I be wondering, where my little papi at?" she says through an exhale of smoke.
The Eagles song, Lying Eyes, suddenly races through my head.
"I been around, you know, working, keeping busy...
I'm being as nonchalant and cavalier as possible, as I continue chewing my gum. I'm trying to figure out what tack I could take, to confront her about this guy in purple.
"I called a couple of times, but nobody answered."
"Oh yeah, my abuelita's been sick this week, poor thing, she been in bed and everything. So she, like, couldn't get up for the phone, or nothing."
Smoke-smoke-puff-puff-exhale-gum-chewing-chew-chew. Nobody says anything for a minute or so, until she turns to me, almost like she suddenly remembers that I'm still standing next to her. I'm studying her face, searching for my 'in'.
"So...what did you want to talk to me about, baby?" she smiles provocatively.
"Um...y'know, Esperanza, that Saturday night, y' know, when we went out...and then we were in the car together? Y'know, that was kind of – great."
She pinches my cheek.
"Oh, you so cute. Yeah, that was fun for me too."
I feel myself quickly succumbing to her beauty, to her charm, once again. I fight the urge to collapse, to just give in. This time, I got to stand my ground.
"Um...so, like, yeah, so like last week -Thursday? I'm coming up to see you, right, and I'm, like, across the street down there, and then - I see you with this guy...you're both standing here? He's, like, wearing all purple (sigh)? First, you're all, like, yelling at him, and shit - and then you slap him and -
"Oh, honey - that's Hector," she says matter-of-factly.
"Who...what...what was going on? I mean..."
"Oh, we was having a little argument and shit, that's all."
"I mean, but...like - who is he, this guy Hector?"
"I know Hector for a looong time baby, from around the barrio."
"But...but - who is he? Like, your boyfriend, or something?"
She lets out a long drag of smoke.
"You could say that...like, yeah - we got, like, a history together"
"But... but - how come (gulp) you never, like...told me?"
She looks at me now as if for the first time, she realizes what I'm talking about. A mix between surprise - and like she's trying to suppress a smile, or a laugh.
"Oh...papi...you...thought...you thought – we was like boyfriend and girlfriend, or something?"
I look at her silently. I feel the flush, the crimson, the embarrassment, rise up into my face.
"Oh, baby...I'm so sorry! I didn't know you –"
She tries to pull me towards her, tries to caress me, but I move away.
"But – we – we...you took me to your house...we like - did it - in your car?!"
I'm hoarse now, almost yelling.
"Baby, I do like you! You're so sweet! You painted that mural of me, and that's, like, the sweetest thing anybody ever did for me...so I wanted to give you a present. Like a fantasy, y know? Hector, y' know, we been like, together...like knowing each other, for a long time-"
"He's your dealer too? (I snap) He get you your-"
"What?!"
You're...on...doing...something Esperanza! Why...why do you do that to yourself? You're so...so beautiful! You could...you could – do – be anything you want."
"You don't know what it's like in the barrio, papi. It's different than where you come from. He-he helps me...he helps me – you don't know... you too young...you too young!"
I turn around.
She continues to talk, and then yell, as I walk away, but I can't hear her. I don't want to hear her. The whole world is a blank.
I know if I had stayed one more minute- one more second-I was going to break down. Bug out big time. Just keep walking. Storming down the street, I'm blistering. Blustering. God!! These fucking people staring at me. What the hell are you looking at?! Get the fuck outta my way! I don't yell, but I'm looking for someone to just bump me. Just let them make eye contact, even. Shame. Intense, profound shame.
Epic shame. Alienation. I don't want to be part of this human race, anyway. Somehow, I make it down to Warnanco Park. Just get to the wooded part. Get to the wooded part - and you'll be all right. You can exhale. Throw up. Whatever. I sit there on the ground, on the crunchy dead leaves, with my purple pants, my purple shirt, and my black coat. I feel every bit of meaning, every shred of identity, every sense of who I think I am, has been sucked out of me. Like I'm a human Slurpee, and the only thing that's left is the misted concoction of super-sweet chemicals at the bottom of the plastic Big Gulp cup.
She was going to laugh at me! Why don't you just lop my fuckin' johnson right off, huh? It would be less painful. The ultimate castration. Who am I now, anyway? I can't go back to who I was, or what I was, before I met Esperanza – because I have no idea of who that person even was. Like I never existed before I met her. I'm unformed. Like a fetus. I lie down in that fetal position on the cold hard ground, on top of the brown crunchy dead leaves