Frozen Stars

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐫

𝐄𝐥𝐥𝐚
Talking to my coach about the Nationals has always been everything but a rollercoaster ride. Her standards are high, and I'm just an ordinary girl. Well, a talented figure skater, but that doesn't mean I'm ready for such high competitions just yet. My body is healthy and I have a great mindset, yes, but some strange sense inside me tells me that I'm not skilled enough to compete in the Nationals. Though my coach sees that very differently.

"We should sign you in," she suggests, scribbling on her notepad.

I sigh deeply, trying to figure out a way to gain more time before Nationals. "Isn't it too late to sign me in? I mean, weren't the registrations a while ago? They've already been processed, haven't they?"

My coach looks up from her notepad. "No, last registrations are today."

This isn't great. My coach is seriously thinking about signing me in for Nationals. My body, my mind and my goddamn heart aren't ready for this. Nationals. A foreign yet close word. For me, personally, Nationals is far away, in another universe. But for my coach and certainly my parents, Nationals is sitting on the front porch, watching me and waiting for my failure. Every time I think about this competition, my heart starts pounding in my chest as though it was a wild animal trapped in a cage. Because yes, my heart is trapped in its own embrace, it's never freed from its exhaustion.

"And when did you say are Nationals again?" I ask, my heart racing hard enough to make my ribs hurt.

"Three months."

Three months. The two very innocent words flow through my mind, try to escape but aren't able to because this is my bitter reality. I'll have to compete in Nationals in only three, very short months. Three months is nothing. Not close to enough time. Not close to the time I need to be prepared for what's to come. The voice inside me is screaming to stop this, to beg my coach to stop. But the other voice, the one my brain desires, always wins. The one that says I'm ready, that my parents would see me as their disappointment. I couldn't let that happen.

"That's... very little time. Are you sure-"

"Of course I am sure. I know you, Ella," she cuts me off.

Oh, I'm sure you do, but apparently not enough, because then you'd know how incapable I am of the skills that I need to fulfill flawlessly until then.

I am not able to complete a triple axel, I'm not able to complete two triple axels in one sitting. The triple axel has always been my enemy. Ever since I was a child, I dreamed of twisting three times and a half.

The half twist makes it even more difficult. Sadly, the half twist added to the three twists alone can't be prevented since the axel is the only jump that is made forward. The double axel is much simpler to me, but that could also be because I've been jumping that one for over four years now. After I finished the double axel without complications, I was immediately told to start learning and understanding my greatest fear. The triple axel.

My coach is absolutely reckless when it comes to my performance, her plan for me is unthinkably hard and exhausting. Practice with her is alright, at least I'm able to stand after her lessons. But when we practice my routine for Nationals, which we have been doing for two years now, the only thing I need after are cookies and a bath. My limbs always feel weak and sore after such fatigue exercising. And they have every right to.

My coach never gives me breaks. Her method of teaching is draining. I've been with her for my whole life, she's seen me grow up, she has witnessed every phase of my life and even helped me out of the most difficult ones. But at Nationals practice I can only pray for the Lord to help me.