Means to an end

Something went wrong

The familiarity of the restaurant Cola and I frequented quite often should've calmed me down, but didn't. Instead, I was tapping my foot nervously, looking through a menu I knew by heart. I wouldn't order anything new, because I was a coward who only liked the things that were already tried out, and yet, I was pretending to consider it.

"Have you decided?" Finneas asked with a smile, tilting his head a bit to the right. He was a very nice, good-looking blonde with a shadow of a beard and piercingly blue eyes. If I had to, I'd guess he was Swedish. Fortunately, I didn't have to, since he told me during our chat on the app that his parents were from Nebraska.

"Yeah, I think I'll take the Caesar salad." I declared, as if I didn't always get that. The waitress (Maia, she was here every weekend, saving money to buy a used pick-up truck) was kind enough not to mention anything and winked at me only after she was behind Finn's back. I blushed, sipping my water to drown the embarrassment.

"So, you mentioned being an editor, what's that like? Are books your biggest passion in life, or is it just a job?" He had a cute accent, wore a clean, pressed shirt and seemed really interested in what I had to say. Therefore, I felt immensely guilty, because the only thing my mind had going for it was that I missed Cola's crooked grin, creased T-shirt and teasing about my dietary preferences. Finneas didn't dare to point out that I'm not a rabbit, which my best friend would, for the hundredth time, like it never got old.

"Yes, I love books. They are something, you know?" I mumbled, clearly not great at this. Why were conversations so difficult? "Do you also find them not boring?"

"Curious wording there. No, I don't find books boring, but of course it depends on the title. What genres do you read?" He chuckled charmingly.

God, he's so patient. Why am I like this? Oh, wait, I know why.

I didn't want to be there. Simple as that. This was stupid. I mean, sure, I was supposed to give the guy an actual chance, and I was trying my best, though deep down, I wanted to go back home and wait for Cola to show up at 8, as he promised.

Maybe it would have been easier if shit wasn't so weird between me and him at the moment. He was acting strange on Friday and then refused to see me on Saturday, because I had to 'get ready for my date'. I would have thought that he was jealous, but isn't jealousy more forthcoming than weak laughs, wishing me luck and apologizing profusely for not being able to sit in a corner and watch me eat with a stranger? He even gave me instructions to smile a lot, be honest about who I am, and call him if the guy turned out to be a creep.

I challenged myself to finish this dinner with Finn, giving him as much of my attention as I could force my dumb brain to redirect on him. He didn't deserve to be treated like this, to be entangled in my web of lies. This dude was seriously boyfriend material, as far as I could see.

After an hour, though, I couldn't remember anything we'd said during the meal. My mind was a black hole, sucking the information out, leaving only thoughts about Cola.

And so I had my answer to at least one question.

Could I transfer my love for Nicolas onto someone else? No.

Well, that sucks.

It was a pleasant evening, apart from that. We laughed a lot, took a scroll through the neighbourhood, enjoyed each other's company.

We were three houses down from mine when we'd stopped on the pavement, ending the charade.

"It was nice to meet you, Josie. Can I ask you about something personal?" He inquired, cocking his head again. I nodded, unsure of what to do. "Are you seeing someone else? Don't get me wrong, you were a fine date, but I could sense that you weren't fully with me, and I was wondering..."