Begin Again - One Shot

begin again

It is just a normal Tuesday night, close to midnight. The same routine goes by, I get up, eat, go to school, and rest at home. It was late, I was scrolling through my phone, reading another AU I found on the TikTok app, but I didn't know that this AU I was reading would bring back every memory I've tried to bury deep to forget.

The story goes by, having an unhappy ending. It's something I love to read, I was close to finishing it but hearing the background music just put a heavy hollow block on my heart to make me feel uneasy. I suddenly felt sad.

By the way, I'm 17, single by choice. NBSB but many already tried to win my heart. They were all good people, and I don't have anything bad to say about them because they all treated me well for the short time together, tho we're not official I've gone on several dates with each of them.

You must be thinking, why haven't I gone anything official with them if they were good to me and we've gone on several dates? Well, those are my questions too.

Am I too scared? Am I overthinking too much? Am I just playing with them? Toying them? Why haven't I gone anything serious?

I was also pondering all the possible answers until I read this au that made me remember the past.

I remember a guy from then. And a little girl who's just starting to explore the world met this guy. He was the first to ever make her feel heard, loved, and cared for. This little girl lives in a household that isn't very loving, maybe they can provide but none of them have ever tried to fill the void of her heart that wants to feel loved.

They met on the Internet, they started exchanging messages to keep each other's company. They shared joy, laughter, and tears. It lasted for months, it wasn't so platonic and the little girl realized she'd fallen for him, so she confessed her love. She's scared but she tries. The guy reciprocates the feelings and they continue to talk and get to know each other more deeply.

Until one day, the guy just disappeared, no contact, no messages, he didn't inform her where he was gone, or no announcement about what happened. The little girl had her heart broken, she cried and cried, pouring her eyes out, her fragile heart was shattered into pieces because it was her first love.

Who wouldn't get heartbroken when their first love just disappeared?

But months passed, and he came back, a few days before her birthday, she cried again but it was tears of joy. She was happy this time, and if only she could see him that time she would hug him real tight. She's so happy her heart is so full, she's so overwhelmed, and she feels complete.

However, he disappeared again. Her heart was once again shattered, she then again cried her heart out.

After months, he appeared again, she smiled softly at herself, she knew he'd come back, and she patiently waited.

But he disappeared again, it happened multiple times, but she still accepted him with her warm arms each time he came back. He knew she'd let her in again into her life so he does it every time.

A heart gets tired. She gets tired, she knows she's been a fool for letting him in over and over again, but she doesn't want it anymore. She's been stuck in a cycle, she realized she's not really moving forward. So when he comes back, she pays him no attention. She's changed. And realizing that there's no one waiting for him anymore, he completely disappeared from her life.

The little girl was once me. She is me. I've loved too much before that I only focused on loving one person for years. So maybe the reason I'm scared to completely let people into my life is because I'm scared they would do the same. They will just show me love, get me excited, make me fall but won't catch me and just disappear with no explanation.

I'm scared to give everything to someone, leaving nothing for myself, hurting myself over again, and shattering myself into pieces. I'm done fixing something I didn't break. So I just focus on improving myself. Exploring things, taking every risk at a joyful moment but never risking for love. But I sometimes want to feel that I have someone who wants to risk everything just to win me over until I break my walls.