My gender experience

man idek

Hello, My name is moss, I am autistic and have ADHD and I am transgender, I am also Nonbinary, more specifically I am Amourgender, something I will get into later, that being said I must say the first thing on my mind right now is how strange it is that people claim nonbinary people are not transgender, when we fit the definition to a T (ofc if a nonbinary person chooses not to Identify with the trans label that is fine).

I use he/they/it pronouns as well as other neopronouns that people don't usually use for me which is fine ig.
But anyways I have extremely unrealistic transition goals and will likely never transition physically other than using binders and packers, in truth I wish I could shapeshift because not only is my gender, fluid but I also Identify with the feeling of being inhuman, may this be because of societys treatment of me because of my autism or because of the abuse I have faced in my life that made me feel like no more than a mere object, likely both. I am a creature, not to say that I am not a human being, I am, obviously but I'm not yk what I mean? I mean probably not because people usually dont feel that way and quite frankly I've felt quite alone in this experience although the Voidpunk community has been quite comforting for me I joined before I knew I was disabled and it's been quite helpful to me as somone who feels inhuman, I've always struggled with placing a perfect label on my identity which I believe may have something to do with my AuDHD which is annoying because for me this means my gender is a long lengthy list of things and annoying explanations which makes people not understand me so well, which people already don't because my Adhd makes my explaining things verbally quite piss-poor.

I right now Identify most with being Amourgender, meaning my gender Identity flows into being more feme or masc or Enby depending on who I am with, more specifically i chose this identity because when I'm with my boyfriend my gender leans towards feminine.
when Im by myself I am a true neutral, usually but when I am experiencing a higher bit of estrogen due to hormones I unfortunately feel more masculine, giving me gender dysphoria.
When I am with my friends I am more masculine leaning (depending on the group I align almost fully with identifying as a male in the moment).
With my boyfriend or people I feel special feelings towards (whatever that means) I lean more feminine but I'm never female.

So, that being said it wouldn't be realistic for me to physically transition because when my gender shifts into being femme Im not dysphoric at all in my body and usually when I'm by myself I'm not typically super dysphoric but I hate the sensory feelings of my chest skin against my arm skin it feels yucky so i have to wear a top or bra lmfao.

Something that feels gender affirming for me is drawing over my selfies and replacing my face with a void and various eyeballs, sometimes sum tendrils comin out, something about it just feels right in a way that I can't explain. 

Cw for possible eyestrain

Ex:

Ungabunga its 6 in the morning now how long have I been writing this 💀.

Anyway

That's my food for thought today about gender, I will come back from the abyss when I think about gender again!