You know, I'm sorry

Chapter 2

Ravi

Fuck. Fuck.

What have I done? Hurt everyone I love and then ran away. I physically drag myself to the bar we frequented. The man behind the counter has known Zayn, my sister and I since we were dumb enough to try fake ID's in his bar.

I make my way to the bar stool near his counter, still keeping myself in the corner. "One whiskey, neat."

Fernando has never been a man of many words. He survives mostly on nods and hums. It's not uncommon for bartenders to be moody, considering they have to deal with drunk people daily, the thing is, he's that way with everyone. All the time. The craziest part is, he has a wife. A very beautiful and kind lady, I've had the pleasure of meeting twice.

Once when I was at the bar too late after my first college girlfriend broke up with me. I was a cranky scrawny kid who was clearly incapable of handling two vodka cranberries. She made sure I was semi sober before Fernando closed up the shop for the night.

The second time was the night after my sister died. It was unbearable to turn around and see her everywhere around the house. The sofa spot we always fought for. The wall where our heights throughout the years were marked in pink and blue markers. Her hair ties were like salt in the wound. She managed to go through at least one scrunchie a week. And I was stuck with the job of finding a new one every time I thought I'd calmed down.

A glass is put down in front of me, before I'm even done reminiscing. Fernando gives me a head nod, to acknowledge my presence. He won't ever say it out loud, but I think he likes me. Or maybe I'm delusional.

I knock the whiskey back before he even has a chance to turn around, and I motion the glass towards him as a silent request for more. His only reaction was widening of his eyes, followed by a curt nod.

He motions to the other patron to wait while he refills my glass. I knew he liked me.

I go through three more neat shots of whiskey before I feel it start to take over me. I don't absolutely lose control of my mind and body, like how I used to when I was younger. I'm just a bit disoriented. I go on my phone and open Pinterest. I feel like a teenage girl, but it's the only thing that makes me feel closer to her.

Her Pinterest account had over 13k followers. A fact that she never failed to remind me. She had an eye for aesthetic. She documented her life in the most beautiful way. Be it selfies with her fruity drinks, a video of her get ready with me, and edits of her friendships. Occasionally she would post the cutest videos on our sibling relationship. And if I switch to her private Instagram account, I find every embarrassing video she's taken of me. I can always hear annoying laughter in the background. I used to despise her for taking videos all the time, but it's the only reminder I have now, of her voice, laugh, and personality.

In the midst of playing the same video for the third time, my wireless earphones give up on me. I resist the urge to throw it across the room, it was pretty expensive. The video continues to play out loud. I curse under my breath as I go to turn the volume down. As I go to apologize to no one in particular, I realise I'm the only one sitting in this corner. Fernando is almost done cleaning his bar. His eyes meet mine, and for the second time I see a flicker of emotion in his eyes. 

Pity.

I hate it.

I notice the door open which makes me happy for the intrusion, when I see that it's his wife. She probably came down from their apartment upstairs to bring him up. She smiles at me, again, laced with pity.

"Ravi, darling, good to see you. How's the new job going? It's been so long."

I scoff and knock down the droplets of my last drink, one that Fernando refused to refill.

Fernando raises an eyebrow. I roll my eyes before replying, "It's going fine, good pay, access to better bars where they don't stop serving you after five drinks."

Rather than getting irritated with me, like her husband, she simply smiles and says, "Did he do that now? Fernando, how many times have I told you to let our patrons drink themselves into liver failure? You know I need more patients as a nurse. Come on, I'll serve you."

Despite my hesitation, I follow her path as she genuinely goes to fidget behind the bar. After a couple seconds of ice clinking and liquid pouring, a fresh glass of something sits in front of me.

I shrug, before considering a tall glass of crystal clear liquid, a shot, and downing it in one go. I'm so used to the burn of whiskey, I don't even feel anything.

"Does that satisfy your need, sad boy, party of one? Can I call someone to get you now? You're in no state to walk home alone. I bet you don't even know your left from right."

I scoff. I may be drunk but I'm not an idiot preschooler. I raise the hand the glass was just in and confidently say, "Left".

"Wow, you're such a big boy, Ravi. Fernando, say congratulations," she coos. Fernando raises his head from the sink where he was washing the glass I just used. His eyes hold humor as he swallows his smirk, "Congratulations."

***

chapter two, yes the "shot" was water. Yes, he doesn't know his left from right.

leave my boy alone, he's going through something