ꕥ 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔖𝔥𝔞𝔩𝔩𝔬𝔴 ℭ𝔬𝔯𝔫𝔢𝔯𝔰 ℑ 𝔒𝔠𝔠𝔲𝔭𝔶 ꕥ

♱ duality ♱ XX.

Are grief and love the same thing?

i am filled with love.

i never used to believe it, or appreciate it, but i see it now. Clearly and fully.

i never used to believe a lot of things. That love changed you, or healed you, or that the things you love could leave before you got the chance to fully appreciate them.

but i see it now.

i grieve the things i love when theyre not around, whether gone from my life fully or not, i grieve them as though they existed fully within me.

i grieve the things i know ill never see again.

i grieve my childhood dog. i dont remember the feel of his fur, or the gross smell of him which gave me strange comfort. i miss the clacky sound of his nails on the hardwood floors, i miss the way he'd just look up at me dumbly while i was in the kitchen. i miss him fully and grieve the fact ill never be able to remind myself of these things.

i grieve my nans old house. i miss going there every summer and randomly arranging to stay there an extra week, i miss the random talks we'd have over a cigarette in the kitchen at stupid hours of the night when neither of us could sleep, i miss the spontanious outings, i miss her dog waking me up by jumping on me and licking me, i miss falling asleep to a movie or music alone in the dark and waking up to the sun shining through and the smell of freshly cooked egg with jeremy kyle on the tv and my nan sitting a foot away and greeting me with a warm smile and a witty joke about how i wake up so late or dont wake up to loud noises. i greive all these things that i know i wont get to experience again, and although she isnt dead, i will still greive the fact we only had that one year to share a cigarette together in that house.

of course i grieve these more understandable things, but i grieve things i know i can easily see again soon too.

i grieve my childhood village. i miss how the most exciting thing we could do at that time was run through the fields behind the local park, i miss going to the post office to get a snack with 2 pound coins after we begged our parents for money, i miss walking home in the dark knowing i still had awhile left until curfew so id go on adventures to sit in the church graveyard or sing songs alone on the swings in that park, i miss walking home from school in the summer and seeing everything look so vibrant. although i could easily walk to that village i know it just wouldnt feel the same as when i was 9 and i was running around with friends and cousins knowing we only really had 3 places we were allowed to go. we didnt care, we were happy to be out in the sun with people we cared about. i grieve that childish sense of adventure going through streets and fields youd know blind.

out of all of these i grieve my boyfriend the most. we havent even had long together and yet i miss our first christmas where i gave him gifts i picked out with more care then i did for my own best friends, i miss our first new years where we got so drunk that an hour went by in barely 10 minutes and our bestfriend threw up in my bed, i miss our first valentines day where we tried to make edible cookie dough but he didnt listen to me when i said it was too much salt and too much vanilla extract so late at night we went on a snack run, i miss my birthday where he took me out and bought me so much stuff and the whistle guy in town said i was his wife and then scammed him which i found very funny, i miss the day we first met where neither of us knew what we were getting into but i left with a different crush then i went there for and he left finally having talked to his hallway crush. But most of all i miss every little moment inbetween, the dances we had at the discontinued bus stop we found, the fact that everytime theres even a hint of me crying he drops everything to check im okay and console me even when i have no clue why im crying.

im not sure why i grieve certain things when i know theyre right around the corner. i think with all these i grieve the emotions of it all more then anything.

i think every bit of care and love he has poured into me has finally managed to thaw out my frozen heart, thats why i see love everywhere, i feel it in everything now and its because of him.

(HEYYY idk if anyone reads these or if anyone will read this far to see this but if you do let me know!! anyways sorry this ones real lengthy but i just wanted to say that i cant believe im on poem 20!!! i hope whoever reads these finds them atleast a lil interesting or relatable and well ill see ya next time!!!)