My Big Heart (KageHina)

1 - The News

"I'm so sorry Sir.. There's nothing more we can do."

The first time I heard those words was when I was in my first year of high school. I remember feeling so... hopeless? I'm not sure how to describe the feeling. It's kind of the like dread? I'm not quite sure. The best way to describe it is that I knew I was going to die young.. That there was little to no chance of me living a long life, but I didn't feel restless or broken or any form of sadness. I simply accepted it. I had already accepted my fate and there was truly nothing more to it. I would die, and that was all.

"W-What?.. No- That Can't Be True! There has to be more that you can do!" My mom yelled after a few seconds of processing what she had just been told. She was having a much harder time than I was with what was happening. I didn't mind, I was okay, but my poor mother... how sorry I felt for her. I was her first, and only son, after all, so I guess that was a normal reaction. It was normal for a mother to feel all forms of denial, after all, they were saying her son was going to die. Any mother would have reacted the same way, and how truly sad I felt for her. My poor mother..

That first hospital visit was just the first to many more visits. That's why I truly hate hospitals. I hate the white painted walls and how cold they are. I hate how they're either too loud or too quiet but never in between. There is just too many things that I hate about hospitals. There's just.. Nothing.. To like about them. Hospitals are just filled with grief, sadness, and disappointment, with despair, agony, and anger... But I guess they're also filled with hope. Hope is a wonderful thing to have when you actually have a chance, but for people like me, people who know they aren't going to make it, hope is something stupid.

.

After we got home from the hospital that day, my mom couldn't look at me. Even when I'd call her name, she wouldn't look at me, she'd just answer. She refused to look at me. The moment we got out of the car, she went directly to her room while I stayed with my little sister in the living room.

"Please Shoyo! I don't really see you play!" My little sister whined as she had a volleyball in her hand and she was trying to get me outside. "Okay fine! But only for a little while Natsu, it's pretty late and we have school in the morning." "YAY YAY YAY!" She screamed in victory as we went outside to play.

We played outside with the Volleyball until Natsu was visibly tired and was having a hard time keeping her eyes open, which surprisingly only took 15 minutes. I carried her inside and took her to her room while she drifted off to sleep in my arms. I placed her down on her bed, pulled the covers over her, and then kissed her forehead and whispered, "Goodnight Natsu, I love you."

I walked out of her room and closed her door, I was expecting some peace but instead I was met with.. Yelling?

It came from my mother's room and it sounded as if she was in distress.

"GOD FUCKING DAMN IT HISASHI! PICK UP YOUR FUCKING PHONE!"

Hisashi? That name sounds familiar... Ah- my dad. My mom was trying to get in contact with my dad.

I could hear her screaming, trying to get him on the phone desperately, but to no avail. She sounded desperate, as if she was barely hanging on to dear life.. Barely by a thread.

I could hear her sobs.. She wasn't okay, that much was clear, but how do I comfort someone who's hurt and is crying because of me? She refused to look at me earlier so right now, trying to comfort her would be useless. I felt useless.

.

The days after that were all kind of a haze. I don't remember much about them. I do however remember that it was during those days when my mom finally decided to tell Natsu that I was sick, of course she didn't understand though because she was just a kid. Out of all those hazy days though, I do remember one important conversation that I had with my mom.
.
.
.
.

"You can't play anymore Shoyo. That's my final answer." My mom told me in a stern voice. Her tone was cold, emotionless even, but I knew she was feeling some sort of worry or guilt by the furrow in her brows.

"But why?! I don't understand why I can't play!"

"You know exactly why!"

"No I don't!"

"Because of your condi- your.. Condition.."

My mom's voice broke when she spoke. Her eyes became teary and it looked as if she was about to cry. It was written all over her face. You could hear it in her voice when she spoke. But no matter how bad I felt for her, I wasn't going to let her take away the one thing that made me happier than anything, and I might be selfish for not caring about her feelings and worries, but there was no way in hell that I would stop playing volleyball.

"I'm going to die anyways... It really doesn't matter if I do sports or not. It's my life, whether it's long or not and I want to continue to do what makes me happy. So please just don't.. Don't take the one thing that makes me happy."

It was a bit insensitive I must say, I mean after all she was sad while I was already okay. She was losing her child, and I was losing my life, but I was okay and she wasn't. So it was insensitive to say the least.

When she heard those words though, she pulled me into a hug and began crying. Through her sobs, she managed to say, "what am I going to do without my baby boy!" I hugged my mom as tightly as I could and she hugged me back too. I truly did feel sorry for my mom because her kid was losing his life. "Jeez ma.. You're acting as if I was dying today..." I let out a small laugh as my mom was holding me even tighter.

"Just promise me you'll take care of Natsu yeah? And be strong when I'm gone, okay?"

"I will but you promise me that you won't give up, that you'll continue to be strong."

"I will mom."

And with that, our conversation ended. That was the last time we talked, talked about it.

My name is Hinata Shoyo. I'm currently 24 and I play professional volleyball for the MSBY Black Jackals and this is my story...

Welcome to the life of someone with the Danon disease trying to live for the love of his life.

≻───── ⋆✩⋆ ─────≺