'I love you'- the hardest words to say

Part 1: Asi's decision

"Asi, I didn't know you take this long to get ready, come on I need to see you!" 

Alaz was pacing up and down the hallway in the mouldy house, he had lost all patience not that patience was his greatest virtue anyway but he had just come from having a huge argument with his mum about her and the Dr so he was a little extra irritable today. 

Alaz had considered cancelling all together since he didn't think he'd be very good company but when he heard the excitement in Asi's voice going on and on about this surprise she had in store, he knew he was going to go along with whatever she wanted today. Nothing had made Alaz feel for more peace than hearing genuine happiness in Asi's voice.

'I'm coming Alaz, just go and sit down!' 

Asi checked herself in the mirror as she touched up her hair and she felt the nerves again. She had worked up her courage to get to this moment but now that it was happening she wanted to close off the world and jump straight back into bed. Asi had spent weeks battling with herself knowing that she needed to make a decision when it comes to Alaz. Her brain had told her this was a bad idea and that she should run as fast as she could and never look back. However every fibre of her body and soul told her that this was a risk worth taking. He was a risk worth taking.

After everything that had happened between her and Alaz she knew there was no turning back and no matter how scared she was there was a part of her that was bound to him forever. Asi knew saying those 2 words to Alaz would change everything that's why she was holding back. She wanted so desperately to say it the moment he she had woken up in the hospital bed and saw Alaz's desperate eyes staring back at her but she didn't, she couldn't. She had to protect her heart how could she tell him when she couldn't really trust him or his feelings. He had sacrificed his brother and himself to save her life surely that meant he loved her right but she couldn't. She had lived her whole life never truly believing someone could or would love her in this way. No matter how much the reality was smacking her in the face the devil on her shoulder told her it's not true. They're not his real feelings, he doesn't truly love you. Asi had decided enough was enough; now was the moment to silence the voices in her head and trust her heart she simply had to, she wanted to.

It suddenly dawned on her how backwards Alaz and her relationship had been they fast forwarded a bunch of steps just to get back to this moment. Asi had never had time, money or the brain capacity for real dating. Any crushes she had ended up being quick burning flings that just fizzled out and the men she encountered weren't exactly the type she wanted to spend time with so this was all so new to her. The questions whirled in her mind as she tried putting her heels on; she was not a heels girl but maybe it was because she hadn't given herself that choice. Nor had anyone else shown her the other choices that were out there. There was one time she had dared to try on heels when she was with Cesur and Yaman buying some clothes for Umut for his birthday and Cesur almost had a heart attack laughing at her; telling her how ridiculous and silly she looked. She was finally experiences things for the first time and deciding for her self what she liked not allowing anyone else to tell her who she is or what she should be. As this thought crossed her mind Asi realised how long she was actually taking and although she believed Alaz truly loved her she also knew him well enough to know the spoilt brat he can be most of the time and that he was going to come bursting into this room any minute; so she decided to grab her heels and speed the process up a bit.

There was only 4 times in his life where Alaz Soysalan was rendered speechless the first was when he lost his 4th year school talent competition. He had practised playing his guitar for 6 weeks with his tutor and came in 2nd place to a magician. He had refused to speak or eat for a whole 2 days. The second time finding out Yabani who he hated was actually his brother the third time was when he saw Asi walk in, in that purple outfit at the bar, the gleam in her eyes, the way the dress flowed on her body Alaz was entranced, and the third time was this moment. 

Alaz looked with his jaw on the floor as Asi walked in, her hair in her classic loose waves but styled differently with a little pin instead of her usual braids. She was wearing a black dress that sat perfectly just hitting mid thigh with long mesh sleeves and a cut out that showed of just a little. She came into the living room sliding on black heels rambling about how hard heels were to get on. She looked like Asi, Alaz thought to himself but there was something different she had this confidence, a glow that Alaz had seen in Asi from the moment he saw her, but he knew Asi hadn't seen in herself. However in this moment she was wearing it and owning it with so much assurance it made Alaz's heart melt into this cold ground. 

By the time Alaz had realised the facial expression he was making Asi was in his face clicking her fingers  "Earth to Alaz, are you there? are you even listening to me?"

"What? yes sorry I just sorry, WOW you look fucking incredible!" Alaz was unable to compose himself long enough to make any smart ass comments and just blurted out the the first words that came in his head. 

Asi smiled at Alaz's little outburst feeling a slight blush come over; no matter how many times he reacts like that to her it always gives her those butterflies that make her want to jump into his arms.

"Thank you Alaz, if you had just a little bit more patience I wouldn't have had to rush and could've taken my time!" Asi exclaimed still stressed about the whole evening and everything she had planned.

"If you look like this after being rushed I am scared what you would've done to me if I gave you time!" Alaz realised it might've sounded like he was trying to be funny but he was deadly serious. In that moment Alaz looked around and remembered where they were and his mind couldn't help but drift to that night. Alaz grabbed Asi by the waist pulling her in so their noses were just touching and said "In fact I was just thinking the last time we were in this house alone..."

Asi put her finger up to Alaz's mouth "Stop! don't even go there, I know what your next suggestion is going to be, how about we don't go out and we just spend the night here and... you know the rest; the answer is no! I have something planned so I am not going to hear about any smart ideas you might have!" Asi knew exactly where Alaz's mind was going and she could not allow Alaz to disrupt her plans tonight or she was scared she would never follow through. 

This was in fact exactly where Alaz's train of thought was going but he didn't want Asi to have the last word so instead he dramatically pushed Asi away and said "Actually I was going to say how the last time we were alone in this house together we were so cold because it was winter and isn't crazy that now we don't even need jackets it's so warm outside. Seriously Asi Kiz get your mind out of the gutter is that all you think about! Is that all I am to you, a body to use for your pleasure!"

Asi wanted to smack him but she also appreciated his silliness breaking the tension she was feeling over the night ahead. It was one of the things she loved and hated about Alaz no matter how serious the situation Alaz could always say some unhinged comment and make you feel a little bit more comfortable.