Written in the Stars - Chapter 45 onwards

Chapter Forty-Six

January arrives gently, my children, their mother, her new partner and I -and other friends- welcome the new year on holidays at the beach. Unusual as this situation may be for many, it brings me peace of mind that my kids can spend important celebrations with both their parents in a welcoming and loving environment. It's something I do feel very proud of, despite how difficult and awkward I sometimes find it. It may be hard to admit it at times, but I often find myself wishing things were different. I find myself fighting an internal battle for, as much as my relationship with the mother of my children has improved since our separation and as much as I still love and respect her as their mother, we do not always see eye-to-eye on many topics – our lifestyles have little in common- and having to reformulate our bond, now as co-parents takes more work than I had expected when we first embarked on this road.

Even so, I think both of us try our best to make it work and it does pay off when I see my son and daughter growing up feeling loved and trusting us both.

It's not fair I cannot get to spend the holidays with the three people I love the most in the world and she does.

Sometimes the sacrifice feels overwhelming, but I know it is for them and for their future. They are so worth it.

However, my heart, my mind and body return to Los Angeles completely drained. So much so that, without even meaning to or knowing how it has happened, Jonny and I spend 3 days without talking, except for a few brief texts here and there, and almost never at times where we could carry out a whole meaningful conversation.

He also spent the holidays with his children, their mother and his former in-laws, but then he travelled to Wales with his babies.

He's been busy, we both have been.

"Hi Jonnyboy, are you there, love?"

I sent, hoping he answers quickly.

His reply, however, takes a little over an hour to arrive.

"Hi, love, I was at the supermarket with the kids and I've just seen your message. I'm sorry! Can I call you in about an hour? When my kids are already asleep so we can chat without interruptions? I'm in the middle of sorting dinner and bath times. But I want nothing more than talking to you. I miss you."

He's tried to infuse his message with as much love and compassion as possible. I wholeheartedly acknowledge his effort at communicating things directly, explaining and in the process, not letting me down -or trying to- while making me feel loved and valued. I do recognise that- quite different from when we first started dating and problems were not discussed for fear of disappointment, and in fact, making everything worse. Still, I cannot help dejection from settling in my heart.

I miss him.

"Ok"

I type and send.

He reads it immediately and stays online, but does not say anything back to me. I sigh and put my phone in my pocket once more only for it to vibrate a moment later.

"I'm sorry."

His message says.

We could chat as he cooks, we've done it many, many times, even with his little ones present and way before they knew we were together. So, what's the problem? I wonder, recalling the times he would place the phone or laptop near the counter and would pretend it was a cooking show or the times his daughter explained all the steps while they were making a cake.

My thoughts are raging, from nostalgia to disappointment, to intense love and deep, deep longing. I breathe in and out a few times, closing my eyes trying to expel the dark energy from my tense body. As usual, it is music that provides a coping mechanism and I decide to get my guitar, sit on the floor and begin fishing for songs or a melody or anything that helps me unburden my soul from these troubles.