The Way I Loved You

PROLOGUE

"I love you so much, Mave... I can never see myself with no one but you," 

For me, living means suffering.

And suffering is a lesson that was given because of the mistakes we built. 

Buong buhay ko, wala akong ibang inisip kundi ang magiging kapakanan ng mga magulang ko at ang mga pangarap na ninanais ko. Lahat iyon ay nakatakda para sa akin... ramdam ko. I've never been so selfish at myself, I don't want to be the burden of my own. I hate people who make bad to other people. I love people who only does good things for their own. My parents raised me as a good woman and I have no other commitments but to do good things too, kahit pa ikakasakit ko. Kailanman, wala akong ibang ginawa kundi ang iparamdam ang aking tunay na pagmamahal para sa iba, and I was very happy with it. Kahit pa siguro sa huli, malulungkot ako dahil naiisip kong 'yong mga binibigay ko para sa iba ay walang nagpaparanas sa akin. If I were to choose between two good things, I'll not choose any of it, 'yong 'or' na lang siguro.

But as of now, I hated me. I hated my life. I hated my doings. I hated... the world. So many questions are engraved in my mind, and each one of it... was my suffering. Sa sobrang dami nga nito hindi ko na alam kung alin ang uunahin o kung paano pag-susunod sunudin. All this time, I wonder how things will go if only I chose the right decision before building myself, kasi sa paraan na buoin ko ang sarili ko, may nasasaktang tao. At sa paraang gagawa ako ng kabutihan para sa iba, nawawasak ang mundo ko.

Home. Is said to be in the most comforting zone in your life, where you always felt happy and relieved, where you smile and laughs, where you can freely let out the hatred you feel inside because you have your home.

But my home... is nowhere to find anymore. 

It lost me, it broke me, and until now... it is still breaking me from apart, from pieces. I don't want to know how to get rid of it anymore because I want to live with it. The nightmares, his ghost everywhere, his strange shield, the season where the air embraces me and I feel him, the voices that's guiding me whenever I am uncontrollable. All of the things that haunts me and gives me horror but lead to him, I am accepting it. Not just acceptance, I want to be with it everywhere. 

Because it's the only ways I could feel his presence. 

"It's really like spring! Look Mave, the pine trees are dancing so smooth below!" 

My best friend Gabriella waved her hands from afar. I grip on my backpack before going to her, she was almost at the edge of the water-falls mountain we are standing in, right now. I felt quick nervous when I step on the wrong rock that made me almost slipped. She offered her hand when I'm near her and I accepted it.

"God, nature looks so perfect!" Her voice echoed.

I smiled. "If I would build my own house, I would love to choose the forest near this view,"

Her eyes brightened when she heard me spoke. "I love you so much! I will do anything to make you happy!" 

Her very tight hug made myself squeezed a bit, but I smiled.

"Wait, I'll just take a picture!" 

When she loosened up, the strange air started to encircle around me again, I swallowed hard and stepped one forward, it feels cold and warm at the same time. The dead leaves was wiggling with it, whenever I feel it, I already know how to welcome it. 

"Don't go to the forest."

My eyes automatically closed when his voice lingered. It was sounding not so loud but not so low either. The strange air found it's way to my hair, and before I could even move, small strands of my hair went up.