dear diary,

Is it just me or are goodbyes are one of the hardest things for me to do. I know it is too late to say I'm sorry. You probably don't remember me. I miss that smile of yours though. I miss the way you would tolerate me coming to you after every fight. I know I treated you like shit but if I could go back. I would have stopped myself from hurting you. I would have stopped myself from just leaving without a goodbye. I did all those things to you because I can't get close to someone. I am so scared that they will hurt me or that I will hurt them. But I hurt you either way and I am so sorry. I think about you every second every minute of everyday. But I know you probably are best friends with someone new by now. All I want to do is change the past. All I want to do is go to school and see your perfect face your perfect smile your perfect body those gorgeous eyes. I want to make you laugh like I used to and i want to talk to you about the boys and girls i like. But the girl I would talk about is you. I miss you so much. I am so scared I will hurt someone like that again. We didn't even date and I am over here 1:04 in the fucking morning crying and writing about you. You don't even know I left. If you remember me please please find me. If you miss me please find where I moved. If you still care about me please never forget me. I remember everything about you. I remember how I said I only liked men but I looked at you like we were in love. You don't remember any of this you don't remember me. You forgot the memories we made. I know I hurt you when I said I only cared about her I don't even remember her name. I know yours by heart I always have. But what makes everything harder I know it is too late I wish I could go back the day I was leaving and give you the biggest hug. And I wish I could tell you I loved you more than anything. I would go back and tell you I will never ever forgive myself for the shit i put you through. I love you so so much. More than I have ever loved someone and that scared me but I couldn't love you then. You know I would dream at night that we would live together happy. But look at us now you probably don't know my name and I am over here wishing I could change the past. You were there for me when my parents got divorced. You cared for me when I was scared, hurt, alone, and when no one else listened. I miss that and I hope you miss when I would hug you or when i would make you laugh. The first day I saw you I admired you you were perfect no matter what. You could be mad and you still looked stunning. I was over there being a bitch to you. And it mostly because I hate feeling what I felt when I was near you. I got nervous. No one could do that to me. You thought I liked him. Because he was the one making me stutter. But you made my stomach twist and turn. You never noticed the way I looked at you. But one of my best friends is just like you. She has your smile. She has your body. And oh my God she has your laugh. But she isn't you. The only reason I can't fall in love with her is because she isn't you. You always knew what to say around people. You were my confidence. But that left once I left town when I left your side. I know I promised I wouldn't leave. And I promise I couldn't say goodbye. Because if I said goodbye then it would be true. I was leaving my best friend and my crush. But you weren't just a crush you were an obsession. When you left I just thought the pain will leave but it never did. I thought I could just go back and see you but I can't. Because that would mean I have to say I was scared. I would have to say I treated the girl of my dreams so so wrong. I would have to confess I was in love with you. When I knew you wouldn't care because it was too late. It was too late to tell you I cared cause I could have told you I wasn't coming back. But my grandma said we could visit. One year turned into three now I don't even know how long I have been gone. When my mom drives past those school doors all I see is me saying see you next year. And waving to you know I wouldn't see you in three months. Did you wait on me or did you just not care. I wish I would have told you the truth. I regret you know if you blame yourself I'm so sorry. I couldn't bring myself to tell you I'm not coming back. I couldn't tell you without crying and you knew I hated crying. You knew I hated people seeing me. You knew I hated the spotlight so you took over and you were in the spotlight. But you never took anyone else over me. I bet now your new best friend is making you laugh everyday that they are hugging you. They should because I wish I heard that laugh once more and I wish I saw that smile again or those perfect freckles or your personality. I wish I held you tighter I wish I tightened my grip because now I have nothing or no one to hold. I wish I could feel your perfect body in my arms. Your body fit perfectly in my arms. I hate the fact that I have to look in the mirror and see someone that doesn't have their other half. I wish I said goodbye. Sometimes I thought I wish I never met you but if I could and choose I would choose all this pain again. But I'd also make sure I would see you again. But when I see you I want to see you walking down the aisle way. We planned to have a wedding together but now I want it with you. You said we will get married on the same day to different people. But now I don't want it to be with different people I want it to be with you and only you. You were the one I gave my heart and you still have it. I was the first one that saw you cry. I was the first one to wipe that tear and I was also the first person you said you loved at that school. We hated the same person. We loved each other but now we're strangers. How I ask myself how the hell did I let this happen. You were the only one that would hug me every day hangout with me when millions of friends. I miss it I do. But if you ask me I know your happier. But I swear to God if I found out someone hurt you again I wouldn't forgive myself for letting you go because I wouldn't hurt you again. People ask me who is your best friend and sometimes I still want to say your name but I can't. If only you moved with me I would be able to tell you everything right now. I still want to ask the school where you live. But I don't want to hurt you anymore. I would love to talk to you. It is hard to be in love you know everyone I date I just wish it was you everyone I call a nickname that we used to call each other I want to cry. You would call me beautiful, love, my dear, darling, my love, princess, my princess, and boo. You probably don't remember because we got yelled at and had to stop. Do you remember us talking about the one dude with the most perfect face. We would always talk about how cute he is. I can't believe you actually cared and believed I liked him. I still wish I could change my past and my future. But I don't want to I will hurt until I know that you don't care anymore. But I would do anything to see you, hug you, make you laugh, and to see that perfect smile. No one will no how much I miss you but I want you to remember me but I don't know how to do that. All I want is for you to show up at my door and hug me tell me you missed me. Or text and call I would take anything to see you again. And I want anyone to say everyone changes but me and her can't. We have done to much together she has seen me at my worst point and at my best. She brought me the world and I told her no and I'm so sorry for that I know you cared but the way I felt scared me I was to young and so were you. I was too fragile at the time and you were just like glass I left a million cracks. And I know you wouldn't have any idea how bad I wish I could change it. But we were little kids. Acting like teenagers that loved each other look girl I miss you so much but oh my god you have no idea how young we were. I know I could have said lets wait but I would still had to tell you goodbye and I didn't want to do that. I want to meet with you anytime to see we can talk and if we have to we can say goodbye forever. And that kills me to think about but I can not live my life thinking I couldn't say goodbye. And if you hurt yourself or worse I wouldn't forgive myself for not saying goodbye. I know your probably not reading this but I know this kills me to write. It kills me to think we never became friends again but maybe we did maybe you fell in love. Elizabeth said you were dating someone when she left and when she said that my heart hit rock bottom. I hope he treats you well. I hope he makes you laugh like I did I hope he makes you smile and I hope he calls you those pet names I hope he holds as tight as I wish I did and I hope he will love like I do. I hope you don't still hurt. I hope you miss me though. I hope you remember our memories like they were yesterday because I know I do. I hope one day we see each other again but baby girl I will wait till the end of the world for you. I will go to hell as many times I need to for you. I will die for you. No matter what I can't forget you. I have tried it all. I have vaped I have drank I have done it all but I quit because I know you would be so disappointed. I hid you from my parents as a kid because I loved you and I didn't want to hurt you I didn't find where live but now I wish I knew I wish I could show up at your door and hug you as tight as I can just to say goodbye I would do anything but I can't. If you read this I'm sorry I wasn't there for you or any of that my heart is always yours so if you ever find my number I'm here. Trust me just tell me your name and I will be sobbing. I know you won't read this Annabelle you know I would do anything for you. You could tell me to kill someone and I would. You own my heart and maybe I will be able say goodbye in person but till that day I guess this is the end.

This isn't goodbye Annabelle but I love you and I wish I could hug you right now. I won't forget you I promise. I know I didn't keep the last promise I made but I will keep this one. I wish I could call you. This won't be forever I promise I want to see you soon but I will wait on you till the next time I hope you know this tears me apart to do but if you love me and trust me enough don't give up on finding me. I will see you again soon I mean it I hope I get in touch with you soon. I have waited for years and I am going back to school in a few weeks but I am still waiting for you. I always will wait no matter what you still mean the world to me. I am going to hold onto the moments that aren't ours anymore but I hope you still love me. Or maybe you don't but I can delete everything and throw everything that reminds me of you away to forget about you. If you don't want me to miss you or love you just tell me but that doesn't change that you are the love of my life. And if in a few years you finally meet up with me again and the smallest possibility that I moved on than I hope we can still be friends. I would never forget you though. But if you would like I will pretend you don't exist anymore and I will just say I don't know you if people ask. But we both know that I will never forget about you I still miss you after all this time. I would show up at your house if I knew where it was. I hope you do well but girl don't hurt anyone. And if we meet again don't hurt me please.

Love,
Anna/Annalyse

The photo at the top is how we hung out the swings were our favorite place I started this at one am it is now 2:09 am