Joey and Daddy go to a cafe

Insulting daddy? Not when Joey's around!

It's Sunday, Joey's favorite day. Daddy's at home and there's no school. It's hot and daddy doesn't feel like cooking so they decide to go to their favorite cafe. It has a nice outdoor sitting area and the food is really good. Especially the chocolate crêpes are a delight. Joey doesn't care much for French food, unless it's stuffed with chocolate.

Since it's not so far away from home they decide to walk, despite the hot weather. Joey is allowed to wear daddy's sunglasses so he feels very proud. Like one of those cool cops on his favorite cop show. Or those awesome fighter pilots after they shot down all the baddies. Joey imagines being a fighter pilot and runs around daddy, spreading his arms and making whoosh sounds.

When they arrive at their cafe, they find a really beautiful corner table in the shade, with a spectacular view of the cafe's rose bushes and the majestic tall old trees. Joey orders a lemonade and daddy goes for a glass of beer. After all that running around pretending to be a fighter pilot, the ice cold lemonade tastes heavenly. Daddy also rolls his eyes in delight after his first big gulp of beer.

A single elderly lady sits down next to them. Joey almost chokes because her perfume smell is so intense. What did she do, dump a whole bucket full of perfume on her? Or take a bath in perfume instead of water? Daddy also doesn't seem happy, judging the way he wrinkles his nose. But that wasn't the worst of it. The lady had one of those very, very obnoxious tiny little dogs on her. One that looks like a demon straight from hell, with weirdly shaved fur and mean little eyes. Joey isn't even sure whether it's indeed a dog or just an oversized rat. Now the creature, whatever species it was, starts showing its tiny little teeth. Joey thinks it looks so ridiculous he starts laughing, pointing his finger at it.

Joey: Daddy look, a were-rat
Daddy: No pointing fingers, Joey!

But it was too late. The were-rat sees the finger and starts barking. Or maybe it was annoyed that Joey laughed at it. Whatever it was, it makes a lot of noise for its ugly, tiny body. The elderly lady waves at the waitress.

Lady: WAITRESS! WAITRESS! These people upset my dog, please remove them from this venue.

Daddy makes a surprised face. This wasn't what he expected, but he is too polite towards to take any action. Joey however sees it quite differently. He doesn't care much about being insulted, but insulting daddy? Calling him "these people"? That's not okay at all.

The waitress tells the lady that it's company policy to not remove people for upsetting dogs but the lady won't have it.

Lady: THEN CALL THE POLICE! THESE... LOW-LIFES ARE THREATENING MY DOG!

Low-lifes? Now even daddy, who tries to stay polite, starts getting angry. The "dog" keeps yapping and yapping and won't stop. Daddy tries to reason with the lady, informing her that they were here first and it's her dog that is misbehaving, but she wouldn't listen.

Joey starts looking around. A family just gets up and leaves the cafe. Their kid ate only half a hot-dog and left the remainders on the table. Joey leans over and grabs the sausage, then positions himself behind the lady. The creature spots the sausage and starts sniffing. Joey waves the sausage around and the beast's tiny eyes follow. Apparently it is hungry. Very good, perfect for Joey's plan. Now everything has to go real quick. With a quick movement, he takes a clamp that holds the table cloth in place and attaches it to the dog leash. With his other arm, he tosses the piece of sausage.

The tiny creature races off and the elderly lady lets out a scream of surprise. A split second later, the clamp tightens and pulls the tablecloth off the table. Plates, cups and cutlery are all crashing to the ground in a spectacular display of chaos. Joey aimed the sausage really well, making sure it was perfectly in line with the vase on the table and the elderly lady. And indeed - the vase flew right into her lap, emptying all water on her skirt.

Joey was smart enough to jump back on his chair, looking as unsuspicious as he could. Innocently, he sips on his lemonade, but behind his sunglasses his tears are running from laughter. The old hag is yapping even louder than her "dog", trying to catch her breath and understand what is going in. Her entire skirt is soiled, it looks like she peed herself big time. Everyone in the cafe is now staring at her. Luckily, the doglike creature already gobbled up the sausage, so all evidence of Joey's little stunt is gone. Daddy glares at him but Joey pretends not to notice. His chest shakes from the suppressed laughing, though.

Eventually, the owner of the cafe comes out, alerted from all the screaming. He sees the mess and the tablecloth wrapped around the dog's leash and it is quite clear to him what had happened. He kicks out the lady and tells her to never come back. She threatens to sue but eventually wanders off.

The waitress picks up the mess and finally the cafe returns to the peaceful state it was before. Daddy and Joey decide to share a hamburger with extra fries so they'll have enough space for dessert later.

A grumpy looking guy sits down next to them on the freshly restored table. He smells funny. What's with today and funny smells, Joey thinks. The waitress brings their hamburger and just as she places it down, the guy lights a very ugly smelling cigar. Quickly, the entire place smells like an old ashtray. Joey groans. If there's something he hates more than lack of chocolate, it's smoke smell.

Daddy leans over and politely asks the guy if he could smoke after they finished their meal but the guy just grunts and blows smoke directly into daddy's face. Great, another insult for daddy. Joey's mind starts racing. Neither him nor daddy have appetite left because of the abysmal smell. Daddy looks around for another table but they are all occupied. Daddy suggests packing the hamburger and eating it at home but then the guy extinguishes his cigar. Maybe he developed a social conscience during the last minute? Realized how dangerous smoking is? But no, he just had to go to the toilet.

Daddy stares at Joey. Joey looks back. Is he in trouble?

Daddy: Joey, do you still have those slim long firecrackers that I explicitly forbade you to have?
Joey: No daddy, of course not.
Daddy: Well, if you have, do your thing. Daddy won't be mad, promise.

Daddy nods at the cigar and Joey rushes off. He takes the firecracker out of his pocket, uses a toothpick to remove some of the tobacco, slides the firecracker in and covers all traces with some of the remaining tobacco. Then he puts the cigar back exactly as he found it. The entire activity took him less than thirty seconds.

The grumpy guy comes back from the toilet, farts and sits down. He grins at daddy as he lights his cigar. Daddy and Joey nibble on some fries, trying not to look in his direction.

With a loud BANG the cigar explodes in the guy's face. Tobacco blasts all over the place like confetti during carnival. The entire table is a real mess, as is the guy's face. He'll probably have to pick tobacco pieces from his greasy hair and beard for days to come. The entire cafe starts staring again, and the owner comes rushing out. Seeing the mess the guy created, he kicks him right out.

Owner: WHAT'S WITH THIS TABLE?
Joey: Maybe it's cursed? An evil spirit?
Owner: Mamma Mia! A curse! I will remove this wretched table and call a priest. Or an exorcist. Or both!

The owner himself carries off the table and daddy and Joey finally have peace. They greatly enjoy their burger and the massive dessert afterwards. It takes daddy a whole minute to clean all the chocolate from around Joey's mouth. Since there's no one around to bother them, daddy drinks another beer and Joey runs around the table and trees playing fighter pilot, wearing daddy's cool sunglasses.

It was such a beautiful afternoon. Well, not for the lady and the guy, obviously. Nevertheless, Joey had a great time. As did daddy, though he told Joey that this was an absolute exception and he should never, ever, totally, never do anything like that again.

Joey solemnly swears. Fingers crossed, of course. No one shall disrespect daddy. Not on his watch.