Challenged Love

Chapter 30

For months, I tried to busy myself with school projects, friend hangouts, and Quidditch, but as the month of June rounded the corner, my heart ached for Kasper more than ever before. Just as I thought I was recovering from the trauma and loss, it all came back full circle. I sat in my dorm room in tears, longing for him to be here. The flashbacks crowded my thoughts, the agony hitting me like a rushing current. Maybe this was how Kasper felt all those years ago when we were sitting in the Hogwarts library back in my third year. I was thirteen years old, naïve to the struggles he faced. He told me he had no one. I said I understood. But maybe I did not, because I have never felt this alone before. Everyone else seemed to move on, but I was still haunted by the images that cursed my dreams and every thought. I remembered the scene all too well, how more than just my life flashed before my eyes.

Kasper and I had been discussing future plans just moments before, and the Death Eaters just had to snatch that away. He had just been promoted to a high position in the Ministry and was becoming incredibly successful, yet all of it was gone in the blink of an eye. I began to feel rage burn within me knowing that Kasper wasn't here, which was odd because I knew it wasn't his fault. However, sometimes I wonder what would have happened if Kasper had just kept his mouth shut and had not tried to stand up for himself. What would have happened if we would have just surrendered to their wishes? I would have been a Death Eater if it meant keeping Kasper alive. I would have given myself over to the dark forces just to be with him, but I knew Kasper. I knew he was not going to surrender without a fight, but perhaps he picked the wrong one.

I think I was angrier at the masked Death Eater who shot the spell at Kasper and maybe even angry at myself. I was furious at myself for not being able to save him, because he had saved me multiple times.

During these intense emotions of distress, my response was to recover Kasper's journal from the drawer of my desk. I held the journal in my hands and swiped the dust off the binding. I needed Kasper here, and this journal was the only thing I had left of him. I felt immensely helpless and miserable, willing to cling to the smallest piece of him I had.

I turned to the first page.

This journal is property of Kasper Norman. Please do not read.

I proceeded to the next page, which was labeled "September 1st, 1993".

Everything is so stupid. Everything about this is ridiculous. I hate my life. I hate everything. I hate myself. I hate the noise too. I don't know any of these people with me in this train compartment right now. I honestly just wish they would all leave. I'm not sure I can deal with this for seven hours. I can hardly deal with myself. Seven hours on a train ride to Hogwarts, and all I have is a random notebook and a quill. Except, the one thing I like about paper is that it doesn't tell anyone your secrets. I need to get this out there somehow, or I'm afraid it will swallow me whole. If I do die, at least my story will be out there.

He had only been fifteen years old when he carried the gruesome burden of knowing he was destined to become a Death Eater. I suppose I underestimated how devastating his condition truly was, and this entry was opening my eyes to this inside of his mind. I continued reading, but the further I read, the more intense it became.

I don't want to be a Death Eater, but what choice do I have? According to my parents, that would be none. My mum keeps telling me my destiny awaits. I wanted to say her pretty language wouldn't convince me to join her idiotic cult, but if I wanted to keep living, then it was best I refrained from arguing. I had to be agreeable to pacify her. It has always been this way for as long as I can remember. Both her and my dad are easy to set off, and one wrong word could mean gruesome punishment. I wish I weren't so weak. I wish I had the courage to fight back or get the last word in, but it isn't exactly worth risking my life for. Then again, I can't say I have much to lose. I can't say I have anything to live for. Perhaps I was made for this. Perhaps I was made to be the villain. Perhaps there is no point in having morals or any sense of dignity. If I can't be the best, I can be the worst. I can turn everyone against me. I can be the villain in everyone's story. I'll make everyone feel sorry for looking into my eyes. But first, I'll tear my parents apart for making me into this monster. I'll be a weapon formed against them and cut down everything they have ever loved. I'll break apart their walls to build mine back up, because they have taken everything from me. I hate who I have become because of them, so I'll make sure they pay.