Playlist for the Apocalypse

Chapter 26: Hold The Line

EVELYN

"Why were you avoiding me?" Jonathan asked after Evelyn had finished sharing her ranking of the Harry Potter books. The question shouldn't have taken her by surprise, but it was the anxiousness in his voice that caught her off guard.

"I wasn't avoiding you." She lied looking away and thumbing through a volume of Prisoner of Azkaban.

He raised an eyebrow at her, and she sighed. "Okay, maybe I was. But I thought you might be avoiding me..."

"Avoiding you? Why? Look if I came on too strong back there in the Skytrain and you regretted—"

"Regretted? Oh no! No! I—uh, I don't regret that."

"So then...?"

"It's about what happened after." She said, putting down Harry Potter and finally meeting his gaze.

"After?" He scratched his head thoughtfully as if trying to decide if he had really been so drunk that he couldn't remember, "Like when we fell asleep?"

She shook her head, "I think you had some kind of night terror."

"What?"

"You were shouting and pleading with someone not to shoot. I couldn't wake you up, but your eyes were open and everything. It was a bit scary if I'm being honest. Like you were one of the soulless having a blackout episode..."

She took a deep breath, she'd been trying so hard not to talk about it that it was a bit of a relief that he had finally asked. "I guess I've been avoiding you because I was worried that it was my fault... that maybe I pushed you too hard when I asked about your mom or that you blamed me for what happened to... Adam."

They were both quiet for a moment.

"No, it's not you," He said finally, "I guess I have some unresolved shit in my rear-view mirror, but it was never about you. It's not your fault. I opened up to you because I wanted to, you didn't force me to do anything and as for what happened to Adam, I never blamed you for that. Never. You saved both our lives. Mine for the second time! The only regret I have about that is that I'm sorry that it had to be you. I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am that it had to be you. It should have been me. I'm already damaged goods."

"Don't say that! I wish it didn't have to be either of us. Jonathan, you are a good person. You have to stop saying things like that about yourself."

"Why? Honestly, why do you care what I say about myself?"

"Because I care!" She had raised her voice, but they were both too wrapped up in the moment to notice, "Because you matter!"

"No," he said pointedly, "why do you care so much about me?"

"Because I care about you, Jonathan, you're my—" She tried to say "friend" but she couldn't make her lips form the words. No matter how true they were. Of course, he had been a friend to her, but it was more than that, wasn't it? She thought of the time they'd spent on the floor of Sunrise Records combing through his collection, the way he'd looked all blood-soaked, steely eyed and beautiful standing at the doorway of her cell in the Serenity Sanctuary, like one of the heroes from her beloved books come to life. Then there was his patient hand on hers as he taught her to drive and of course there way he'd kissed her... they had both been drinking yes, but they both had been willing and waiting for the opportunity to blame their feelings on something silly like liquid courage. Then he'd gone to all this trouble to help her to feel better and though he probably didn't know it, it was the kindest thing anyone had ever done for her. This was more than friendship. She'd never felt anything like it before, but she knew it had to be or at least she hoped.