⚠️Trigger Warning⚠️: mentions of self-harm scars, cuts.
Will's POV:
Its 6oclock and I have invited James over to watch a movie and eat some pizza. We don't often see each other outside of filming. Unfortunately, this week's recording was postponed to next month, and as much as I hate to admit it, I miss James when I don't see him for a while. A knock at my door is what pulls me out of my daydream.
I quickly get up before stopping in front of the door and taking a deep breath. I double-check that my sleeves are pulled down properly before going to open the door. Ever since mine and Mia's breakup, I have been struggling massively. I'd never tell anyone, hence the self-harm.
I swing the door open and plaster a smile onto my face. I am greeted by James smiling face, looking right back at me.
"Jimbo! Come in." I say, stepping to the side and closing the door behind him.
"Good to see you, mate. How've you been?"
The question shocks me. It shouldn't really, but it does, and I stutter over my words.
"I- Uh oh yeah. Yeah, I've been good, mate, thanks. How've you been." I wince at my own struggle and notice James doing the same. Luckily, he doesn't mention it.
"Yeah, I've been good. I've been writing some music."
James takes his jacket off before hanging it up and sitting down. I follow his lead quickly. I think about what he just said. He's been making more music. I've always thought he was an excellent singer and his writing skills are something special.
"That's cool, mate. Making an album and yer?" My question is genuine, although I like to pretend I couldn't give two shits about his music.
"Yeah, hopefully. I've not gotten very far yet but might be able to get some good stuff from what I have so far."
It's clear James is content with his music career but also looking forward to future things to come. It makes me wonder why he wants to be mates with someone like me. Someone who hadn't got much going for them.
"Will you alright, lad?" James asks. Shit I must have zoned out for a while.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm good, fella. Should we order some pizza and put something on to watch them?" I ask quickly.
"Alright, meat feast for me." James says, causing me to roll my eyes.
"You and your fucking weird taste in food." I mutter under my breath making James laugh loudly.
I pick my phone up from the table in front of us and type in the pizza place's number. Minutes later my cheese pizza and James' weird meat feast pizza has been ordered. While I was doing that, James was looking on the TV for something to watch.
"Any luck, fella?" I ask, putting my phone down next to me.
"No, lad. It's a Sunday evening, and there's nothing on. We've already watched all the new movies from recently." James sighs, putting the remote down.
"Right. Well, the pizzas have been ordered. I guess we will just have to sit here and talk." James says, turning his body to face me properly.
"I guess so."
I really hope any conversation we have isn't serious. I don't know how I will avoid telling him about my struggles. One thing James is good at is getting people to talk. The last thing I need is a serious conversation with him as I know I will crack almost immediately.
"Pizza arrived." I'm pulled out of my thoughts by James' voice. He puts two pizza boxes on the table in front of us before returning to his seat next to me.
"Shit! Sorry lad, I must have zoned out again." I rush out. Oh shit. That's going to get his attention.
"Right. What's up? You've been off since I got here. As a matter of fact, you've been off since you and Mia broke up." I was right. Why does he have to be so aware of what others say?
"Nothing, lad. Let's just eat." I go to reach for my pizza, but my arm is grabbed, and pain shoots through it before I can comprehend what's happened.
"Agh, let go!" I shout, pulling my arm away.
As I realise my mistake, I freeze. I look at James' face, and his eyes are slightly wide. He knows. The one thing I didn't want to happen happened.
"Will. Show me your arm." His voice is steady, but firm. The 'or ill do it myself' goes unsaid.
"N-no. What the fuck lad? Why do ya wanna see my arm?" I yell slightly, trying to play it off.
"Will I won't ask again. Show me your arms."
I sigh heavily before reaching for the sleave on my left arm and lifting it up carefully. I close my eyes in hopes of not seeing James' reaction. The vary of healed scars and fresh ones that litter my arm is no pretty sight. I'm not proud of what I've been doing, but it was my way of coping. My way of staying sane. My way of dealing with the overwhelming loneliness I've been feeling all day every day.
"Will. Will, look at me." James' voice is softer than before. It's almost as if he is treading carefully.
I open my eyes slowly and fail to blink away the tears that had collected in my eyes. Although James' facial expression is neutral, his eyes scream pain. What I've done has hurt him. Why did I do this.
"Why?" Is all he asks. One word was all it took to break me.
I immediately burst into tears, pulling my arm away from him and coveting my face. Part of me feels relieved because I finally feel like I can talk to someone, but I also feel guilty. Guilty for not telling him sooner. Guilty for doing it in the first place.
"I-i'm sorry." I want to say more, but I can't.
"Okay, just calm down, mate. We can talk afterwards." James says as he pulls me into a hug.
What feels like an hour later, I finally calm down. I pull myself away from James and wipe my eyes. Now is the time to explain everything. The time to allow James to help me. I take a deep breath before I begin to speak.
"It started last month. About a week after, Mia and I broke up. I felt lonely. I guess I was numb. I wanted to feel something again, and the next thing I knew, I had hurt myself. I felt guilty straight away and promised I'd never do it again. I promise I was under the impression that I'd never do it again. Within a few days, the urge was back, and I was in the same situation as before. I didn't plan it. It just kept happening, and I couldn't stop." For the first time since I started speaking, I look at him.
"Why didn't you speak to me? Or anyone? James asks.
"I didn't want to at first. I didn't want to bother anyone. By the time I wanted help I was too ashamed." I mutter my words almost hoping he doesn't hear me.
"Well you don't need to be ashamed anymore. I'll help you." James says looking determined.
"No. Lad I'm not putting that pressure on you. I'll deal with it on my own." I say trying to wave him off.
"Will I mean it. You ever have the urge to do it again or anything for that matter, you come to me. Message me, call me and I'll pick up. I'll come to you if that's what you need. Just don't keep it a secret anymore and don't lie to me."
I think James' words over carefully. Do I really want to except his help? Am I ready to get better? Yes I am. I really want to get better.
"Okay. Okay, fine, I'll try." I say leaning to give James a hug.
"Good. Now let's eat these pizzas. They're probably cold now, but I bet they are just as good as before." James says as we reach over to get our individual pizzas.
"Thanks, lad." I say before tucking into my totally normal, plain cheese pizza.
