🎧 if the sun refuses to shine, baby would i still be your lover? 🎵🎶
• disclaimer, these are just my personal thoughts and vents, i just hope that those who relate to me can feel that they arent alone, because im here :)
i've truly been a lost cause recently. i havent been sleeping well, either. rude and disturbing thoughts keep entering my brain. it feels like im being bullied by my own brain. i keep telling myself things i know arent true, and now im wondering if it really is true.
why arent i great at anything? im either okay at it, or im bad at it. why cant i dedicate myself to anything? why dont i have a passion like everyone else does? it feels like im simply wandering around this earth with no purpose. i can never be good at something, without someone around me being better. im always silver, im never gold. im always 4th, never bronze. why cant i just be proud of myself? because theres nothing to be proud of. i try and try to dedicate myself to something, so i can be proud of myself, but no matter how hard i try, how long i practice, how many hours i put in, theres always someone whos just naturally better than me. gifted. im not gifted in anything. i have hobbies, i draw, i bake, i play video games. but whenever i draw something doesnt feel right. an arm is misplaced or an eye is crooked, the torso is unproportionate or the ear is too big. is it the pencil, or is it me?
whenever i bake, theres often almost always something wrong. either i put too much flour or i didnt bake it for long enough. maybe i didnt put enough sugar. was it the baking powder? is it the ingredients, or is it me?
whenever i play video games, im often never the best. it feels as if im weighing down the people im playing with. they could be better if jt wasnt for me. i keep failing. my aim isnt good enough, or my strategy is odd, or i cant dodge or hit right. is it the device, or is it me?
i just wish that i could get the dedication to be better, and to have the passion and the grit to not give up.
i have no grit. i give up easily, and im sensitive. i cry too often and cant control my emotions. im envious of those who can hide their emotions. im often just wearing a transparent mask trying to cover my feelings.
but despite that, people somehow cant tell that im not okay. they say i wear my emotions like a sleeve, but if i do, they why dont they notice anything? or do they simply not care?
life is tough when no ones there for you. its tough when you're the one that has to be okay for everyone.
