After The Fire

25. Looking For Meteors

He looked puzzled, and affronted. 'I've absolutely no idea. I haven't seen you for nearly forty years, remember?'

She studied him, studied the lines on his face. He seemed as puzzled as her.

'Seriously. I've no idea what he's on about.'

'So why did you want to come and see me after so long?'

'Morbid fascination?' Sean replied.

'Thanks. I'm not that bad.'

'You're not that good either. How did you, of all people, end up with a man who'd do that to you?'

And there they were, the focus skipping away from Sean's answer, back onto her. How did she always give up her power like this? Yet she had to justify herself.

'You wouldn't understand,' she said.

'Why do you let him hurt you?'

Being honest about this was hard.

'I guess I must like it,' she said.

'How could you ever like that?'

It was a genuine question from Sean, and she needed to do it justice.

'Not being hurt. I don't mean that. But that stupid game you did on me? All that stand up sit down? You know where that goes. And when it's right, it's exciting.' She threw him a sharp look. 'Surrender. It's at the heart of love. You know what I'm talking about, don't you? You spotted it.'

'Maybe I do. But look at your arms. That's not love. It is only your arms, isn't it? '

'There's a lot of different ways to love someone.'

'The old Corinne – if someone tried to hurt her, she'd have had none of it. Certainly wouldn't have stuck it out for years.'

'I did stick it out for years.'

'What?'

'But you never came back.'

'Oh, come on!'

She didn't want to waste time on anger. So once again, she told the truth, shameful as it may be. 'I'm serious. I gave you my life. It took me years to move on. Years and years.'

'I'm flattered.'

'Don't be. It's imprinting. Baby ducklings do it with whatever crosses their paths. It means nothing. It's just a bugger to get rid of.'

He pointed out the obvious, 'You're married now. You must have got rid of it at some point.'

'So I did.'

'What happened?'

'I met Paul. I'd tried a sales job at that point. A direct marketing company over in Scunthorpe. I was awful in it. He was the manager. The way they ran the sales team, it was very theatrical. We had a lot of ... rehearsals. On our own. He was trying to make me better. He just seemed kind, concerned, like he was going to look after me.'

'Always a winner. And it went wrong when?'

'It hasn't gone wrong. I love him, I do. I'm not always happy with him, in fact I can get furious with him, but that's OK.'

'But –'

'When he hits me, we argue, he apologises, he's sorry, and it's over. It's not too bad. We get through it.

'I think you've lost the plot.'

'I haven't. It works.'

'How could it ever work?'

'You know we've been talking about first kisses? There's your very first kiss – but then there's the first time you kiss someone new. That's almost as powerful.' She paused, considering best how to tell what she felt was a very confused story. A story she still felt had profound gaps in it, somewhere in its fabric. Logical gaps that, no matter how she turned her head, she couldn't quite see.