Hüüdis, Ta Ei Kuule

"Bye guys! I'll be back in about a week!"

I clenched my eyes at those words. A week, he said! One week! Seven days! One hundred and sixty-eight hours! I won't even try to count the minutes or seconds! He said he'd be back! He promised he'd be back! True, it had only been three days since he left, but after the news we received, we knew it was not possible for him to come back.

The news of the accident came out of nowhere. At first, none of us could feel anything else due to the sheer amount of shock everyone was in. That shock later would turn to denial, which would turn to disbelief, which eventually became grief. How?? How did this happen?? Why did this happen?? Why did it have to happen?? Why did it have to happen to Estoni Kohver of all people??

It happened so fast, too. Kohver had just left to visit his friends in northern Finland. Not much was revealed about the accident, either. He and his friend were driving down an icy road. Nothing was said about what caused this accident, but they found his friend's car. Neither Kohver nor his friend were seen in the car, but there were clues around that showed Kohver's presence in the vehicle, such as his sunglasses and his phone in a snowbank next to the crime scene. We weren't given many details. I didn't know if I wanted them or not. They were probably graphic, but they could've been off a bit. There's no way he's gone. No way.

"Koer....?" A softer, higher pitched voice asked suddenly, snapping me back to the moment.

"Are you... Gonna be okay?" Lancelot asked me again. This time, with a bit more rasp in his voice.

"I-I..." I began. I didn't know what to think or feel or say. I couldn't even cry. I wanted to. I wanted to cry so badly, but I couldn't feel myself. It felt like I was frozen in place. I didn't want to believe that Kohver was gone. I can guarantee that none of us did, but the truth seemed inevitable.

"That bastard!" Korea scoffed. "How could he just leave us for a whole week while he visits a friend in a remote part of Finland?!?! He should've known something like this would happen!!"

It was normal for Korea to get pissed when he was grieving. It's how he expresses the emotion at first. He slapped his knees as he stood up from his chair. He stormed off to another room of the house and slammed the door.

It was at this moment where my breakdown process began. I slowly lifted my hands to stroke my own hair. I couldn't tell if my heart was beating so slow or so fast. Lancelot slowly crept over to me, signaling for a hug. I didn't hesitate. We collapsed into each other's warm arms.

"It'll be okay." I whispered. Saab korda"

I had never hugged anyone harder than I hugged Lancelot in that moment.

...

The next couple hours were a complete blur. I have no recollection of what was said or done during those four hours, but now, here I was, in my bed. It was 2:45 am, hours past midnight. I was restless in bed, tossing and turning. I couldn't sleep if my life depended on it. I couldn't get Kohver out of my head. I wanted to know what he was thinking in his final moments. Was he aware that he was about to die? I shuddered at the thought of the friend I've known for a decade have to go through any sort of pain. My mind raced about what could've happened to him, but some part of me was convinced that this wasn't true, that Kohver was still alive and well. I wanted to believe it so badly. I grabbed my phone and decided to text his phone in hopes that he might reply

You're not dead.

Two minutes passed before I sent another one.

You can't be dead.

Another three minutes of waiting before sending another text.

Please don't be dead.
We can't afford to lose you.