The Vent Doc

4

Hey uh post nut clarity is a bitch. Making me mentally ill. 900+ word vent because I guess fanfiction aint worth the word count anymore.

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I'm so irritated because I'm questioning my sexuality again and still combatting my fucked up relationship with intimacy.

Same thing as last chapter but I'm still feeling the same as I did. 

I think I like women. I think I'm bisexual. But its so difficult to tell because of the way I view sex. I want to be hurt and used, in a purely violent way. Not to "get me off". I'm not a masochist in that sense, at least I don't think so. Its so difficult to tell.

I would like to lie and say that I didn't want that before my ex raped me. I want to pretend I'm a good person and say that the concept of sexual assault was anything but exciting to me. But I want it to happen again. I've always wanted it to happen. Since I started puberty, my fantasies have never involved any form of consent.

I feel disgusted. Thats part of the reason I ignored all of his red flags. Part of the reason I let myself be so vulnerable around a man that I KNEW was a rapist. I knew before I asked him out. I tried to convince his ex to leave him way back, because of how he was treating them. But I asked him out. Its my fault it happened to me. I have nobody to blame but myself. It's entirely my fault that happened to me. I can't complain about seeing him in my dreams, trying to do it again. I can't cry over how I can still feel his hands because its my fault for getting that close to somebody so awful. 

I knew he was a rapist. I gave him my virginity. I let him touch what he wanted to. Hell, I ENCOURAGED it. I was so desperate for someone to hold me that I didn't care what they held. I let him play with me like a doll. I leaned into everything he did, no matter how uncomfortable I was. I tried to please him as best I could, and I humiliated myself.

I wish it was anybodies fault but mine. I wish he had manipulated me, but he was fucking retarded and couldn't even remember the names of his fucking friends. I was given so many red flags. He CHEATED on me with a THIRTEEN YEAR OLD. He didn't get me anything for valentines day until everything was on clearance. He constantly lied about the stupidest fucking shit. He made disgusting comments in history class. He fingered me on the school bus when I was on my period and then wiped it on his pants.

I had so many warning signs. Both before I even asked him out and during the relationship. Everybody always wants to say "Its not your fault" but I can't find a shred of logical evidence to back that. I want to believe it. I want to forgive myself and say "I couldn't have known" but I did. I went into the relationship with the ideology of "He can't rape me if I consent fast enough". 

I think its even worse knowing that if I asked him to stop, he would've. But I was too scared to ask and thought I had to please him. If I had just braved up things would be so different.

Now I'm scared to walk alone. I'm always worrying someone is behind me. Anytime someone accidentally brushed against me, I panic. And I'm scared to love somebody again because I know I'd let it happen and I'd lay there like I did last time. I know I'd let them hurt me. I might even beg for it, even if I didn't want it. And I'm scared that it makes me unlovable. People will find me disgusting for my mistakes and I'll agree. 

After everything that happened, I feel even more disgusted with how the idea of being taken advantage of turns me on. I don't know why it does. Maybe I just want to be hurt again. Maybe its some subconscious conditioning from my brain trying to get me vulnerable so it can happen again, a desire for trauma. Thats unlikely but I'd rather the idea that I'm sabotaging myself than accepting that I'm just disgusting and broken and I'll never be able to form a normal relationship. I don't want to be fucked up at my core. I want to be normal. I wish nobody ever told me what sex was. I wish I didn't know what the word "genitalia" means. I wish I had no idea how reproduction works. I wish I never got on the internet and I wish twelve year old me never watched porn. Maybe I wish my parents explained what sex was rather than leaving me to learn about it on wattpad and pinterest. I wish my mom gave me the talk instead of just giving me a book.

I wish my ex didn't exist. If I am fundamentally broken and hardwired to find the worst people so that I can be hurt, it would be better if I was alone forever. I wish there was nobody to hurt me because I'm already a threat to myself.

I know its going to happen again someday. Probably not too far in the future. I'll accept an invite or something out of morbid curiosity and next thing I know I'm in someones bed, sobbing and bleeding. If it happens again I want it to be worse so I can learn my lesson. My actions have consequences and I have to accept them in full.

If I went back in time with all this knowledge, I would probably still ask him out. I hope I never see him again.