I Want To Stay

#8

I must have lost my damn mind. I was the complete opposite of a party animal, yet here I was in Carl's house surrounded by what seemed like every single person in our year and their younger friends. The living room was stifling hot from the erratic movements of everyone else dancing to a bass-filled beat. It was suffocating.

I wasn't even thinking straight when I got the sudden text from Carl that he was throwing a pop-up party at his house and that I should go. I had been couch-rotting at home with Art and decided at that moment that perhaps that kind of environment would distract me from my issues. While it seemed to help, it also made me quite uncomfortable. I was surrounded by excessively happy people who appeared to have everything going right for them. They allowed the beat to bond all of them in a group while I was sitting on the couch in the corner of the room, alone. Carl had greeted me briefly before he was dragged away by cronies who wanted to dare each other to do stupid stuff. I hadn't seen Mimosa or Jeremy which was one of the hopes I had by coming to this event. 

Unable to bear the humidity anymore, I trudged through the crowd and out the sliding glass doors. The rush of cool air felt heavenly against my skin and in my lungs. I relaxed the tenseness that plagued my muscles with each cooling breath. Out in Carl's petite fenced backyard, fewer people occupied. A few were lying on the grass, staring up at the stars while others on the left were drinking, chatting, and playing Uno on the patio chairs. In the back left corner near the birchwood fence sat the person who I had wronged. Partially illuminated by twinkle lights hanging a few feet away from them, I saw a glimpse of the real Jeremy. The one who wasn't hidden behind a mask of lies. If I had to describe it, they looked like a gosling stranded in the middle of an empty lake. Their mother was nowhere to be found nor were there any other birds to help guide them. It was like they were ferociously crying out for someone, anyone to help them find their way after an eternity of being the only bird in the lake. After losing their voice to overuse, the chick flapped its underdeveloped wings hoping that the movement would attract the attention they craved. However, in the end, it was still fruitless. 

I hesitantly pottered over while attempting to construct the words I wanted to say in a perfect way. The second I got in their space, everything went out the window. Jeremy didn't acknowledge me even though I knew they had spotted me out of the corner of their eye. I lowered myself next to them and copied their curled-up position. Jeremy slightly turned further away after a moment. 

"What do you want?" They whispered in an angrier tone than I'd ever heard come out of their mouth. 

"I just wanted to say... Well, I am sorry for what I said, Jeremy." 

"Okay was that everything? If so, you can leave now." They responded. I remained mute while pondering what the next best step would be. The one thing I knew for sure was that if I left right now, that spelled the end of our platonic relationship. The way Jeremy sounded made that very clear. Every hurtful thing I had done up until now stemmed from the fact that I was afraid to be vulnerable. Each instance that I ignored Jeremy was because I was too afraid to unleash my feelings on someone who may not be my friend in the future. It was painful when you left a part of yourself that you would never get back. However, no matter how badly I wanted to get up and pretend this ordeal never happened, I couldn't. I knew the only way out was to do the opposite of what I had been doing, even if I was petrified to do so. 

"Even though you're acting angry, I know that it isn't what you are actually feeling. In reality, it's sadness from when I said you weren't my friend. In all honesty, the reason I said that was because I am afraid to get too close to anyone. In the past, I became close with quite a few different people on various occasions. We would become friends, and share our stories, and I would let them in on painful memories and experiences I had because that's what friends do. Then after a while, I would move. Again and again, this would happen. Sometimes it was months, and sometimes if I was lucky, or unlucky depending on how you look at it, it would be a year or more. I would have to separate from these friends in what was some kind of living hell loop. Due to differences in time zones, locations, etc, we would ultimately lose touch. The more this happened, the more absent in social life I became. I didn't want to get close to anyone anymore because I couldn't bear to lose more people. The damage in my heart was so far advanced that I feared if I let myself open up again, it would completely fall apart if we parted. I am not trying to excuse my actions, because there was no reason why I should've said those horrible things to you in such an aggressive way. I just wanted to let you know why I did what I did, and how I understand how much it wounds you when you lose someone you thought was your friend. Again, Jeremy, I am so so sorry." I explained. They turned to me with eyes as wide as the sun which were also welling up with tears. Jeremy virtually flung themself at me and crushed me in their embrace. Their fingers gripped tightly to the fabric of my shirt and I sensed the drops of sadness that fell on my shoulder. I gripped them back as hard as I could, afraid of letting go. A solitary tear of my own managed to escape. Even though I was happy that we reconciled, it still scared me to think of the possibility of moving again and subsequently breaking this bond.

"Hey Jeremy. I have a gymnastics meeting coming up soon and I was hoping you would want to come... As my friend," I forced out. Jeremy pulled back with the familiar glint of happiness in their eyes and nodded their head ferociously. I gave them all the details before we once again hugged. Through both interactions, I could feel just how relieved and happy they were to have a friend. I would also be lying if I said I didn't enjoy feeling the comforting touch of another human. After all, I couldn't even remember the last time I hugged someone... besides Roman. 

"Finally, you two made up!" A voice from behind our backs exclaimed. I whipped around to find the Aussie girl smiling at the two of us. She clapped both of our backs before inserting herself between us. I let a frown adorn my features because of her and she seemed to notice.

"I'm sorry for ignoring you dude, but you were kind of an ass to little Jeremy," she explained while playfully pinching their cheek. I nodded my head at her but now that I had made up with Jeremy no thanks to her, I didn't have much to say.

"C'mon guys, let's get out of here!" Jeremy exclaimed with a pep back in their step.

"Where?" I questioned.

"Where else can we go at this time of night besides coffee lol." I smiled and agreed to their proposition. However, inside I was greatly hoping that Roman wasn't there. I was still immensely embarrassed from the other day.

Luckily once we were in the drive-through after a short drive with ear-blastingly loud music, Roman was not the one working. Even though I was relieved I didn't have to deal with that, I kept thinking about him. Especially as I took a sip of my protein shake and it tasted worse than normal.

After sitting in a parking spot for some time, I had to use the bathroom. Luckily there was a small one in the same parking lot. The light from the stand didn't reach very far so the closer I got to the toilet, the darker it became. Trees in the distance became 2-D black blobs whose tops were uneven. The sky was saturated with an amount of stars I hadn't ever seen. There was almost no space between them as the glowing orbs stood around each other like a nonviolent army of beauty. The full moon drew my attention like some kind of primordial beacon of interest. So much so that I didn't notice someone coming out of the bathroom who I was on a warpath for. I realized this after I collided into the chest of someone who smelled like coffee and cigarettes. My nerves increasingly exploded with anxiety signals the closer my eyes came to meeting the person's. In the few inches that separated our faces, I could see that he was completely off. His bark-colored eyes were surrounded by swollen eyelids. His features were rigid and a freshly lit cigarette hung loosely from his pursed lips. The surprise of who I had bumped into made it take me a few seconds to realize where my hands were. My right one was against the top of his chest while the left was just below his pec. The skin all over my face heated up like a toaster and someone seemed to be crushing my lungs under an iron grip so that only the minimum amount of air could make it through. All the thoughts I had left my brain as he piercingly stared at me. Despite the smoke stinging my eyes and in lieu of the awkward position we were in, I couldn't move. Roman's hands lifted to my wrists and gripped them. For half a second, I could've sworn I felt one of his fingers stroke my skin. However, this thought was quickly forgotten as he pushed me back quite forcefully.

"Watch where you're going," he stated gruffly before trudging off and shouldering me in the process. A familiar sense of anger and hurt festered in my stomach when I felt the thump of his shoulder into mine. I thought he was starting to be nice to me and that perhaps we were becoming close. He even let me hug him the other day for Christ's sake! Screw embarrassment, I was now furious.